One time me and my lady Ronica went on a talk show. I didn't want to do it because the host, Juliana Rockwell, always had stories about how many people I slept around with and said a few times that one day I was gonna turn on humanity and destroy the world. I got mad and dropped off three mountain lions in her backyard. No one ever proved that I did it but they knew. Ronica is a huge fan of hers and has been since she was little. She likes to remind me that the first time she ever saw me was on Juliana's show so I should be grateful.
I don't see it that way.
“Should I wear red or black?”
Ronica asks me holding up two dresses that would look way hot on her.
“The...black one” I tell her.
“Why?”
“Its slimming” I say. She makes a
face at me. “What?”
“'Its slimming'?” she asks me. I
nod. “Are you saying I'm fat?”
“No!” I shout. “You aren't that
chick so stop trying to be that chick.” She just puts her hands on
her hips. “We're gonna be on TV and the camera adds weight. I'm
just thinking of you.” She tosses the black dress into the closet,
gives me the finger, and smiles. “I love you, too!”
We take a limo to the studio which is
stupid because I can fly and I own a buttload of cars myself. On the
ride there Ronica won't look at me even though I look amazing.
Tight yellow t-shirt, red jeans, and orange Converse. I make it work,
trust me. I put my hand on her lap and she moves it away. I groan
loud and the limo screeches to a halt.
“Is there danger?!” the driver asks
me.
“No!” me and Ronica say at the same
time. I go to high-five her and she turns her face back towards the
window.
“You gonna leave me hanging?” I ask
her. “Ronnie? Ronnie?” I sit back and fold my arms. “Dick.”
“You're the dick” she tells me.
“You called me fat.”
“I did not call you fat!”
“You might as well have” she
replies which is stupid.
“If I wanted to call you fat I'd call
you fat” I say. I don't think I should've said that.
“Thanks” she says.
“Why are you being such a girl?!”
“Because I am a girl!” she screams
at me causing the limo to stop again. “No, there's no danger. Keep
driving.”
“I know you're a girl” I say. “I'm
sorry about the dress stuff. I really was just thinking about you and
the cameras and all that. Ronnie? Wanna know a secret?”
“I know all about your fear of belly
button lint” she mumbles to me.
“Ssssh...” I tell her. Don't need
the world knowing that shit. “When we first made with the sexy time
I was nervous.” Ronica looks at me and gives me the People's
Eyebrow. “For seriously.”
“I don't believe you” she says.
“When have I ever lied to you don't
even begin to answer that question” I say. “I was worried about
how you would think of me after having heard all this stuff about me
before we even met in person. Who knows what you heard just from
Juliana's show?” I scoot a little closer to her and take her hand.
She tries to pull it away but not really. “I've never loved someone
the way I love you.”
“Except for yourself” she says with
a smile.
“Well...naturally.”
“Why are you telling me this story
now?”
“Because...” I say “...I don't
want you thinking I don't love every inch of your sexy body parts.
Look at you. I wanna put you in a pot and make soup and eat you all
up. You're put together perfectly. If you were a building I'd live
inside of you. I wanna live in you. Can I live in you?” Ronica
laughs and covers her mouth.
“That was the worst nicest compliment
you've ever given me” she says.
“Stick around” I say. “I'm sure
I'll come up with a few more.”
“What's gonna happen when I get fat
later?” she asks me.
“Your mom isn't fat” I remind her.
“Your mom is hot.”
“My father is fat.” She squints at
me. “If you make any comparison between my father's facial hair and
me I'll cut you in half.”
“Get out of my head, witch” I say.
She slaps my on the shoulder. I lean over and kiss her on the arm.
“What was that?”
“I didn't want to ruin your makeup.”
“I'm not wearing any.”
“You look this good naturally?” I
ask. She smiles. “Driver! Pull over! I want to have the sex with
this woman!” He actually stops the limo. “I was joking” I tell
him. “I can do it while we're moving.”
We arrive at the studio and there's a
crowd cheering. The limo can't get through and we're supposed to go
on air in about five minutes. Can you guess why we're running late?
That's right. Sex. Next question! I open the sunroof and float out of
the car. Ronica raises her hand and I gently lift her out until we
are both standing on top.
“Where's my bitches?!” I shout to
the sky. All the men start cheering. It's a thing. It's a thing that I
do. They like it. “Where's all the thugs at?!” The women start
barking. I'm not even sure how this even started. “This is my
lovely lady, Ronica!” They all cheer for her.
“Hi!” she says and waves.
“Doesn't she look great?” They all
cheer. “Even after the sex we just had. You'd never guess that
moments ago we were both bare ass nude naked--”
“Walter!” Ronica hisses at me.
“Sorry, I thought that was all in my
head.” I kiss her hand. “We'll see you all later. We have an
interview to fucking destroy!” Ronica throws her arm over my
shoulder and we fly off to everyone going nuts.
I'll tell you about the interview
later. Shit got bananas.
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