Shit Just Got Real 18

Fuck. That was the first thing I said when I saw this story. An old man, Joseph Vallenti, celebrated his 96th birthday and his family got him a cake. That's nice. My birthday is next week and no one is getting me a cake. So his family got him his favorite cake, German apple, and he cut into it and got the worst surprise anyone could ever get. Rat.

He got it from King Kullen which is a grocery store in Commack, New York. After he ate it he got stomach pains and diarrhea which at the age of 96 you can only hope that isn't the beginning of your death. Seriously, he's 96 fucking years old. He has survived so much crazy shit in the world and a rat infested cake could've taken him out. A guy that is dating his niece said that he saw what appeared to be a tail sticking out the cake.

Cue Sad Hulk music...

This is when shit gets real.

Who wants cake?!

“I flipped it over and saw the whole tail bleeding into the cake” he said. I would have every hole in my body evacuating at this point. Tears, snot, shit, piss, vomit, earwax, everything. Just...everything. Inside the cake was a 5 inch long rat. The store released a statement saying “Product has been removed from the bakery and the premises has undergone a thorough inspection. There are no known safety or rodent issues in this bakery.”

I would say there is a very large rat issue! How can you not see a rat fall into the cake?! How?! Years ago my father bought a burrito from Taco Bell and went into his room. Moments later I heard him scream because he had bitten into a bone that was left in the meat. Bringing it back to me. You know how badly that fucked me up? Yeah, he had to go to the dentist because it jacked his teeth up but think of poor little me. All we ate was Taco Bell and I was eating it for months like it was full of explosives.

This is what I picture when I think of the moment rat is found.

I hope this family gets all of the money. You just trying to celebrate your birthday and end up getting sick because someone let an entire rat get baked. Oh, my heart. Poor old man.

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