As I headed towards the chase I knew that Ronica would be able to handle herself on Juliana's show. I'd catch it later since I made sure to record it when we left. I had no idea how much handling she would do until we watched it later when we got home. I'm zipping over the city and my phone goes off. It's Zazz.
“What's going on, lunch break?”
“I hate you” he replies. “You
need to hurry up and finish what you're doing and get back to the
studio!”
“How come why?”
“'How come why'?” he asks. “Who
talks like that? Anyway, Ronnie and Juliana are getting into it!”
“Sexy getting into it or violent
getting into it? Or both? Is it both? Are you still recording it? I
swear if you aren't I'm gonna drop you off in Africa!”
“Good” he says. “Then maybe I'll
finally be able to make a friend that speaks English.”
“I be speaking it so good you don't
know even!” I say. He sighs. I sigh back. He sighs back louder. I
moan. He moans back. “I was recording that by the way.”
“What...?”
“I'm gonna give to Rick Ruben to
remix into a song.” Zazz is silent. “I love you, Zazz.” He
hangs up. Rude. I got the car in my sights anyway so whatever with
him. Ever since he got a woman he thinks he's hot shit. But he's not.
I am. I'm the hottest shit ever. This guy is driving pretty fast. I
fly until I am floating next to his window. I tap on it and wave. He
fires a shot at my face. It doesn't hurt or anything but it stinks.
“Really, dude?”
“Get the fuck back or this baby gets
it!” he shouts. I snatch the gun from his hand before he blinks.
“My finger!”
“Shoulda let go of the gun, assbutt”
I say. I flick his forehead knocking him out. I shove him to the
passenger seat and slow the car down while the baby keeps crying. We
stop and I reach into the backseat and get the baby. She cries until
I start singing to her.
“Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can't help falling in love with you...” She smiles and I have a new fan.
“Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can't help falling in love with you...” She smiles and I have a new fan.
Later that night.
“That bitch!” Ronica shouts and
tosses her purse on the couch. “Can you believe the shit she
said?!” I can't stop laughing and Ronica hates that.
“Can I watch what happened?” I ask
her. She just stares at me. “Did you really call her 'cunty'?”
“Maybe. I don't know.”
“Because if you did call her that we
are having sex for the next three days.” I sit on the couch and
check the DVR. Yes! “I'm gonna watch it, okay?” Ronica sighs and
sits next to me. I start the video and fast forward until it gets to
me showing up. “Told you I make that outfit work” I say. We watch
until I take off and Ronica comes out. “You look great, miss.”
“Thanks.”
“I'm for serious! If you weren't my
woman I'd want you as my woman” I say. “I would cheat on my wife
to be with you I love you so much.”
“Thanks...?” she tells me.
“Ooh, here comes where the fireworks
start!” I say and watch the video.
“So, Rhonda...”
“Ronica” she corrects Juliana.
“Ronica?” Juliana says and laughs.
“What kind of name is Ronica?”
“My parents couldn't settle on a name
so they mixed two and came up with that” she says. “I don't think
its that strange.”
“So besides dating the hottest man
alive what do you do for a living?” Juliana asks. “Are you living
the life or a starlet? Parties and clubs?”
“Not really” Ronica says.
“Uh-oh” I say to Ronica and pause
the video.
“What?” she asks me.
“You just did that thing with your
eye that you do when you are starting to lose you shit” I tell her.
I rewind a little bit and freeze it. “There.”
“I didn't know I did that” she
says.
“Well, until earlier I didn't know
that my face could have a conniption” I remind her and start the
video again.
“So what is it you do then?”
Juliana asks sounding way condescending. Ooh.
“Besides taking care of our daughter,
Milly, and wondering if this will be the day I lose my man while he saves the world I started
and continue to run Johnny's website. I head up several of the
charities that do things like supply food, water, and housing all
over the world. Last year we built thirty eight schools in America
and two hundred and nine worldwide. We cleared California's debt. I
employ over two thousand employees through our sweatshop free
clothing line as well as...”
“You cheated with Toby McGuire,
right?” Juliana asks. Ooh.
“Yes” Ronica says. She doesn't
mention that she did it to get back at me for sleeping with Scarlett
Johansson. She also knows how much I hate Toby McGuire.
“How did Johnny handle that?”
Juliana smiles at her audience and crosses her legs.
“There's a run in your stockings”
Ronica replies.
“I'm not wearing stockings.”
Applause.
“Sorry” Ronica says and smiles.
“You have a scar on your leg.” Laughter.
“We'll be right back!” Juliana says
and they cut to a commercial.
“Wow!” I say and kiss Ronica on the
cheek. “What happened during the break?”
“She ignored me” Ronica says. “That
guy that brought you out applied some makeup to her leg and smiled at
me and mouthed 'Well played' when he walked away.” I shut up when
the show comes back on then pause it again because Milly starts
crying. I get up and grab her. She stops crying and starts chewing my
hair as usual. I sit down with her and she reaches for Ronica.
“You can be replaced” I remind
Milly. “I saved a very grateful baby just this morning.” Milly
just smiles at me and buries her face in Ronica's neck.
“Are you jealous of your own baby?”
Ronica asks me. I shrug and press play.
“So tell me Ronica, how did you and
Johnny Panic meet?” she asks. “And how do you two stay faithful
when every woman in the world wants to sleep with him?” Ooh.
“I'm the best there is at what I do”
Ronica replies. The crowd loses their shit and start chanting
Ronica's name. Even Milly start trying to clap.
“I don't remember saying that”
Ronica tells me.
“You are a firecracker” I tell her.
“You never know...” Juliana tells
Ronica. “Who's to say that Johnny isn't getting some on the side?”
Ooh.
“Why are you so cunty?” Ronica asks
her. Ooh.
“Excuse me?”
“Cunty. C-U-N...”
“There's no need for you to get so
confrontational” Juliana says. Light applause.
“I disagree” Ronica says. “You
invite me and Johnny on this show, which until a few minutes ago I
was a fan of, and at the last second say I can't come out. Then you
attack him and when he's gone saving the life of a child you try and
attack me. And you failed. You can't attack me and you can't hurt me
and it has nothing to do with the fact that I am with the world's
only superhero who can and will move mountains, literally, to prove
his love for me. So keep trying and when this interview is done I'll
go home to my beautiful baby, great friends, and awesome guy while
you're sleeping with some troll you met on a reality show. Hashtag
that, bitch.” Applause. Cheers. Barking. The people go crazy.
Ronica waves to the crowd, gives Juliana a wink, and walks off stage.
I stop the video.
“I wanna be in you” I tell her.
“I'm holding our baby” she tells
me. I just stare at her picturing her naked.
“Before you ask, yes, I am picturing
you naked” I tell her.
“You've seen me naked a million
times” she says.
“What's your favorite thing to eat?”
I ask her.
“Cake. Chocolate cake” she says and
smiles.
“You're my chocolate cake” I tell
her.
“If I didn't know any better I'd
think you were trying to have sex with me” she says and gives me
that smile that she does when she knows she wants a piece of me. “Can
you read my mind now?”
“Yes” I say. “You want some
chocolate cake.”
“Correct!” she says and kisses me
on the cheek.
Click here for previous Johnny Panic.
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