"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 8

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These guys look like they were built to hurt other people. Let 'em try. I don't even care. I'm gonna destroy this shit. Okay. Maybe I won't. This sucks. These guys are gonna make me look bad in front of my woman. I can not let that happen. I'm just making headway with her. I think. Yeah. Right? She likes me. Sure, she kneed me in the dick but she kissed me a few seconds later so that means something.

“Wow” Saucy says.

“What?”

“You were monologuing” he tells me.

Shit.

“That was all out loud?” I ask. He nods. Mr. W. Scott walks over to me which is weird because I can see him moving. He stops a few inches from my face and spins facing the soldiers.

“Three months pay for whoever removes this man first” he says and walks away.

“That doesn't seem right” Happy Hands says. Softy is eyeballing her dad the entire time. “I'd hold your hands but you seem to have a very large target on your back.”

“His back if he's lucky” Saucy says.

“I'm dead” Beef says. “Look at those guys. They eat people like me for lunch.”

“Now you know how nature feels about you” I say.

“Nice to know that in the face of certain death that you are still confident” Google says. “It makes no sense but its admirable.”

Florida Teenager Plays Pretend Doctor

An 18 year old in Florida has been charged with pretending to be a doctor. Malachi Love-Robinson is a damned lunatic. That's just my opinion. Some of his training other than what he learned while being home schooled was following other actual doctors. This kid that opened and ran his own practice is being accused of practicing medicine without a license. He said he had a Ph.D. but wouldn't say what for. I watched a couple of interviews with this kid and wanted someone to sucker punch him. In one he said “...just because someone has a title 'doctor' in front of their name does not necessarily imply M.D.” This asshole thinks he is being clever. For example Dr. Dre or Dr. Rock. “I'm not portraying as an M.D. I never said I've gone to school to be an M.D.” Well, they peeled back something while at his office and...

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 7

Click here for previous Rehab.

You ever watch those PETA videos where they show cows being punched in the face and chickens kicked across the pen? I know you have. I haven't because though I may be an alcoholic failure I'm not willing to put myself through that kind of torture. So yeah. I've watched a few of those videos. They get real bad and I cover my eyes but then I quickly realize that the sound is way worse. That's what this is like. All we can hear is the soldiers roaring, women screaming, and the sound of rubber on flesh.

I just described someone's favorite porn.

Happy Hands takes my hands and I don't snatch them away this time. I think Saucy and Joseph may be saying the same prayer. Beef is moments from breaking. Google looks way too calm while Bing is giggling a little bit. Me? I'm prairie dogging. I'm touching cotton. The big brown man is knocking at the back door. This is terrible. One by one the screams stop but I hear the ball still hitting the wall.

“Give up” Mr. W. Scott says.

“Fuck off, dad” I hear Softy say as she shuffles.

Street Justice?

New York. This is a story where I am still trying to figure out if the punishment fit the crime. From reports this is what happened. 39 year old Phillip Pierre was supposed to sell a pair of Air Jordan 8 shoes for about $190. God, people pay a lot for shoes. Anyhoot, instead of buying the shoes 17 year old Zachary Sam decided to rob Phillip at gunpoint instead. This is all on video by the way. 

Zachary takes off running as Philip makes a u-turn and ends up ramming his vehicle against the kid. Zachary got away and headed home...without his arm. That's right. He had his arm severed by the vehicle. He actually made it to a bus where the driver stopped seeing how badly he was bleeding. This is what is known as street justice. Its illegal but super effective. Zachary was taken to the hospital where doctors attempted to attach his arm. He was well enough to eventually be arrested and charged with armed robbery. Philip has been charged with 2nd degree attempted murder. 

Dante Vs. Nature 60

The Yeti is real and walks among us! Run for your monkey ass lives! At least that's what I'll scream if this new image of one was real. I want it to be real. I want this, sasquatch, and dragons to be real. The fact that they aren't bums me out because I want there to be some more mystery to the world. I don't like when people logic certain things away and with creatures like this there is nothing you can tell me to convince me that it can't be real.

While hiking some people in Formigal, Spain took some footage that lasted a few seconds of this and said “This morning skiing in Formigal with friends, we've come across this. What the hell is it? A bear or a bloody Yeti? We've told the ski resort, but they haven't taken us seriously. I bet there's something on the loose out there. I know what I saw.” The resort where this happened reported “We have spoken to the witnesses of the sighting and after combing the area, we have found nothing. We believe, therefore, that there is no cause for alarm and that visitors' security is guaranteed. In any case, we will remain alert.” I bet you will. In the video it looks like the Yeti is taking a power piss which makes sense. Yeti gotta pee, too.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

The Seven People You Find On Valentines Day

Its Valentine's Day! Yay? Right? This is one of those holidays that is either something that you look forward to or dread. For some people its like an extra birthday where you get showered with gifts by one special person or a bunch of people that you aren't really into. And for some its like penis Christmas. I've written about The Seven Women Nerds Will Date and The Seven Men Female Nerds Will Date in the past. This one will be The Seven People You Find On Valentines Day. Now let me explain my own views on this holiday.

It stinks. Not because I'm single because I've been in relationships during this time of the year. Its because I was a bomb ass boyfriend. Yes, I will toot my own horn. So when this damned day rolled around I was like “Damn it. I already did her hair, massages, eyebrows, bought flowers because its Wednesday, and paid for dinner and a movie. What magical bullshit do I have to do today?!” This holiday is never for guys unless you're, like, in a gay relationship. And for any girl that just said “I treat my man great in Valentine's!” let me tell you this because he won't because he hopes to get laid tomorrow: you should be like that all the time. I mean that in the least misogynistic way possible. If you're in a relationship where you don't feel like a champion almost everyday then you're not really in a relationship, now are you? If you guy is cruising through life getting you flowers on February 14th, your birthday, or when someone dies then good on him. He isn't as dumb as I was.

The Pretender

This is the person that will tell you that they are fine with being single on Valentine's Day but on the inside they are sad as all hell that they are watching everyone in their office get sent flowers while their desk is covered with pictures of their cat and their one best friend that is gonna start talking to them less because she got engaged to Rick and fuck that guy, right?! The Pretender is sad because they think they are tricking everyone by faking they are okay with being single. They aren't.

The Sexual Frustration Is Real

Some people are just a little too damned freaky for me. These two for example. 21 year old Chloe Scordianos and 27 year old Frank Panzica were arrested after some workers saw them getting super freaky on the High Roller Ferris wheel in Las Vegas at 3 in the damned afternoon. Workers spotted them on camera smoking and getting naked and told them to cut that shit out. 

At first they did then started undressing again because you're not gonna not fuck on a Ferris wheel, right? So they started boning while people in a cabin nearby started filming it because dear Playboy, people have no self control and you won't believe what I just recorded. They were told to stop and Frank responded by going down on her. When the ride ended, figuratively and literally, security held them until police showed up. They got slapped with commission of certain sex acts in public which happens to be a felony. They were both released on $3,000 bond. Oh, and Chloe has a 3 year old son because not enough bad decisions were being made. You know, I can see a chick that looks like this doing what she did. Its in the eyes. And he is just trouble. Look at him. That is the look of a man that will do everything possible to make sure people know he is fucking in public. I'm just saying. More information! Frank was in Vegas with his own chick and thought she was pregnant with another guys kid when he met Chloe! 

Lavardo Fisher Shooting

13 year old Lavardo Fisher of Florida is dead for a lot of stupid reasons. I read about this story and thought “This fucking sucks” and how easily it could have happened to me or anyone I knew growing up because when guns are in homes sometimes stupid shit happens. He was playing a video game when his 18 year old cousin Brandon Louis, while riding one of those new hoverboards, found their uncles gun. While riding he fell and fired the gun hitting Lavardo in the back of the head. He told an investigator “I didn't mean to shoot, it was an accident, the gun just went off.”

He was not breathing when paramedics showed up. He was in critical condition and died the next day at the hospital and his cousin has not been charged. Another cousin was also there when this happened as well as three women that were mentally challenged and visiting were there but did not witness anything. Police say that the two cousins tried to put the blame on something else before finally admitting what happened with blood on their clothes. They said someone named “Skeet” had brought the gun over and may have done this but police could not find this person. That's when they admitted they were lying their asses off.

Post: S1E1

The Booth

“Twelve contestants. One prize. Two million dollars. And all they have to do is survive...The Gulag! Created with the world's worst prisons in mind. Attica. Montelupich. Black Dolphin. Pelican Bay. Riker's. Alcatraz. Penal del Altiplano. Kumla. C Max. Goulburn. None compare to The Gulag! These twelve 'inmates' will endure solitary confinement, starvation, and possibly assault for the chance to walk away a millionaire. Each week one 'inmate' will be named Warden. But with great power comes great chances of...betrayal! Abandon all hope ye who enter here! The Gulag!”

“Wow” Drummond said as he stepped away from the microphone. He was known as one of the best voice over artists for the past fifteen years and never in all that time had he heard of a show like this. “Is this legal?”

“Not my concern” Mikey said from the audio booth. “Can we do it one more time? I got a bit of pitch during-”

“I do not pitch” Drummond said. Mikey held his hands up and pushed himself away from the control panel with his feet.

Teen Stabs Boyfriend Then Goes Online

I saw this story and thought “This is exactly what a young person would do today.” This 18 year old chick named Nakasia James of San Bernardino was caught and arrested by police after murdering her boyfriend, 21 year old Dorian Powell. They had been dating for about nine months which if you are 18 years old equals three adult years. Its science. This is what she posted online after stabbing Dorian. By the way, her page is way open and I think that if I knew her personally the fact that she put this online wouldn't shock me. Its one of those Facebook pages just full of drama, strange braggadocios, and nonsense.

Kid Uses Mothers Gun For Robbery

Ooh, some parents are shitty. Like, super shitty. In Florida this 8 year old boy stole his mothers gun and tried to rob a store. How did the kid get the gun? He just took it right out of her goddamn purse. She says he wanted to go to the park last Wednesday night. The fuck? You just let your kids go to parks at night? Your 8 year old kid?!

Man Dies Running Krispy Kreme Challenge

“2400 calories, 12 doughnuts, 5 miles, 1 hour. The mantra of the Krispy Kreme Challenge epitomizes the test of physical fitness and gastrointestinal fortitude.” That is how this challenge began and ended for 58 year old Jeff Woods. If you had told me that a 58 year old guy died while trying to run five miles while eating a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts I would have said “That sounds about right.” He was pronounced dead after being taken to the hospital. 

This event is used to raise money for the North Carolina Children's Hospital in Raleigh, North Carolina. His friends have described him as fun and kind and even though he is not a runner this was something they weren't surprised he would attempt. The way this race goes is you run two and a half miles to a bell tower at the university, eat a dozen donuts, then run back to the start of the race totaling five miles. Now, one regular ass Krispy Kreme has 190 calories. To put that in perspective a can of Coke has 150. A dozen of these donuts is 2,280 calories. 3,500 equal about a pound. The idea of dumping that much shit into my body in such a short amount of time sounds like a terrible dare I wouldn't take. I have eaten some terrible shit and about once a week go all out on bad food like pork rinds, big ass burgers, or pizza. But I would never run that far, eat that much, and try to run back. Especially if I am 58 years old and not a regular runner. But for once they used the word challenge properly. 

Random Civil Rights Moments: James Leonard Farmer Jr.

James Leonard Farmer Jr. was born on January 12th, 1920 in Marshall Texas. He was a damn good student in school and became the first Black to get a doctorate in his state, and was even a college freshman at 14 years old. He earned a divinity degree (didn't know that was a thing) from Howard University, choosing to follow his fathers path. He began to learn about Mahatma Gandhi and his teachings regarding non-violence. 

Eventually Farmer ended up living in Chicago and become a TV screenwriter and writing for a magazine. In 1942 he and some other similar thinking people did a sit-in at a segregated restaurant. They ended up creating the Committee of Racial Equality (CORE) which then became the Congress Of Racial Equality which at the start consisted mostly of Northern Whites. Farmer then began working on the Freedom Rides which were trying to stop segregation while traveling on interstates. The first ride they made in May of 1961 ended with the bus being firebombed after it reached Alabama because 1960's. Members of the group were also beaten and attacked and thanks to television the nation was able to see this. The Interstate Commerce Commission, enforced by Robert Kennedy, an attorney general, made it so that segregation was no longer allowed on public transportation in the South. Farmer resigned after a few years and deaths of his colleagues. He began teaching at Lincoln University, ran for Congress, and eventually worked for the Richard Nixon administration but left that.

Click here for previous Random Civil Rights Moments.

Random Civil Rights Moments: William Edward Burghardt Du Bois

William Edward Burghardt Du Bois also known as W.E.B Du Bois was born in 1868 in Great Barrington, Massachusetts. He was identified as mixed and grew up attending schools with White students in a mostly White town. By 1885 he moved to Nashville, Tennessee and was like “Oh. Black people have it rough.” Jim Crow Laws were in full effect and he was getting his first taste of it. After getting a bachelor degree he went to Harvard. After getting his master's degree he headed to Germany and while speaking with social scientists he learned different ways of looking at the world. 

By 1895 he became the first Black to earn a Ph. D. from Harvard. In 1899 he published The Philadelphia Negro: A Social Study that examined what he called “the talented tenth” which was a term regarding one in ten Black men becoming leaders of their race. While working at Atlanta University he opposed Booker T. Washington and his Atlanta Compromise. This got him a lot of attention as he felt that Blacks should be granted equality based on the 14th Amendment. He began fighting for the rights of women and the idea of White superiority and in 1909 he co-founded the NAACP. 

Click here for previous Random Civil Rights Moments. 

Random Civil Rights Moments: Jim Crow Laws

In my last post I mentioned the Jim Crow Laws. Now I never really quite learned what these were about in school so I decided to give a jackass version of it that hopefully I'll understand as well as you.In 1892 the phrase Jim Crow was attributed to the song and dance character “Jump Jim Crow.” In it a White actor by the name of Thomas D. Rice wore blackface and performed as well as a comic strip making fun of Andrew Jackson's views. These laws were used to enforce segregation in the South. During the Reconstruction period these laws started and kept on going until the mid 1960's. That's fucking nuts. In 1890 a separate but equal status was given to Blacks. This meant that schooling, housing, banking, and anything else that was given to Whites were scarce or unavailable for Blacks by law. Even though Blacks were being put into public offices more laws were being made to slow this down or flat out stop it.

All public transportation, schools, and public places were segregated. This is the whole Blacks in the back of the bus stuff. The all Black schools if any. Whites only water fountains. During the mid 1950's these laws were considered unconstitutional but that didn't stop Blacks from being attacked or killed if they tried to act as if they were equal. The rest of the Jim Crow laws were changed by the Civil Rights Act in 1964 and the Voting Rights Act in 1965. Still, that did not stop attacks and discrimination though committees were started to track the amount of Blacks that turned out to vote to ensure that they were not being kept away. There are some saying that the new anti-drug laws being used in the U.S are the new Jim Crow Laws as they specifically target Black men.

Click here for previous Random Civil Rights Moments.  

Underboob Pen Challenge

There was the Kylie Jenner Challenge. The Condom Challenge. The Don't Judge Me Challenge. The Fire Challenge. The Knife Game. The Salt And Ice Challenge. Now there is the Underboob Pen Challenge other wise known as #underboobpenchallenge or #PenChallenge. Now, I hate most of these challenges because they aren't challenges so much as ways to ruin your face and body for life or just look like an assclown online. But this? This is a “challenge” I can get behind!

Mountain Dew And Gasoline

This 16 year old named Logan Stephenson Tennessee died last week from drinking “racing fuel” and Mountain Dew. Read that over again. Now for most drinking one or the other is bad enough for you but the two together? I'm not quite sure what the desired effect is when you mix those two things. As I am writing this I just saw that one of his other two friends that did the same thing has died. Police Chief K.D Smith says that “ They (his friends) noticed the color of his skin had changed and he started having a seizure. His hands started drawing up.” Before the other friend died he had gone into a coma.

When I was a kid the things you heard kids drinking that they shouldn't have were laundry detergent or their parents alcohol. Why detergent? Because it was the 80's and weird shit happened. I never knew anyone to drink gasoline but I do remember seeing some movie where people would sniff it from rags to get fucked up. But come on. Mt. Dew and fuel? You know what's funny about that soda? Its that people that are normally healthy will one day go “I'm gonna have some soda!” and this is their choice the same way they will decide to eat McDonald's when they want fast food. 

Old School Cereals 2

I wouldn't trade in the amount of cereal I got to eat as a child for these kids today that have the internet. I wrote about some old ass cereals from my youth before (click here to read that) and while trolling the internets I saw one cereal I hadn't thought of since I was about 6 years old and that got me into a web of looking at delicious foods that no longer exist.

Spider-Man

This was one of those cereals that I think the company was like “We got all this damned Chex and don't know what to do with them!” They added some marshmallows and next thing you know you have this. They did the same thing with that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cereal. It wasn't bad but by the time you were done the marshmallows and “spiderwebs” tasted the same.

Random Civil Rights Moments: Ella Jo Baker

One thing I am noticing while looking through civil rights people for these posts is that there were a lot of women involved. This one is about Ella Jo Baker. She was born on December 13th 1903 in Norfolk, Virginia. Hearing stories about her grandmother that was a slave inspired her to fight for justice. While studying at Shaw University in Raleigh, North Carolina she fought against unfair school policies. She graduated as a valedictorian and continued fighting not just for Black rights but rights for women as well by joining Young Negroes Cooperative League. This was a battle that women like her had that sucked because she was dealing with two strong social issues at once. 

By 1940 she was involved with the NAACP as a field secretary and then as a director of branches for a few years. In 1955 she co-founded In Friendship which was an organization to fight Jim Crow Laws (I'll have to do a whole 'nother post about those). There is a quote of her that I really like and think people can take a lot from today. “You didn't see me on television, you didn't see news stories about me. The kind of role that I tried to play was to pick up pieces or put together pieces out of which I hoped organization might come. My theory is, strong people don't need strong leaders.”

Click here for previous Random Civil Rights Moments. 

Random Civil Rights Moments: Claudette Colvin

For the past few years for Black History month I have done posts like Famous Black Firsts as well as Cool Shit Black People Invented. This year I decided to look into some people and moments in civil rights history. Not sure of a title yet but by the time I finish this I'll have come up with something. Hopefully. This post is going to be about Claudette Colvin. I didn't know that this girl existed until watching an episode of Drunk History. Sows how well they were teaching this stuff in school. 

Claudette was 15 years old on March 2nd, 1955 when while riding the bus in Montgomery, Alabama she refused to leave her seat. Again. 1955. Doing something like that back then was extremely dangerous especially if you were some 15 year old Black girl in Alabama. In school she was learning about Black leaders and felt all kinds of inspired. Today kids learn about Drake and get inspired to...I don't know. Go to Canada?

Claudette was arrested and put in jail. She and a few other women had done this at the time but all we know about is Rosa Parks and her refusal to leave her seat when asked. Why? Politics, man! The NAACP, whom Parks was a secretary for at the time, thought that Parks would be a better representative for the fight against these laws. So there you have this 15 year old girl doing something because she felt she was fighting the good fight and getting hardly any recognition and then you have a 42 year old woman who is married to a member and working for this huge organization that planned out the whole thing. Didn't help she was pregnant by a married man at the time. She once said “Young people think Rosa Parks just sat down on a bus and ended segregation, but that wasn't the case at all.”