Dante Shows The Ladies How To Handle Texting Men

I talk to a lot of women. No, not like that. Not like that at all. Perhaps 85% of contact I have with people is woman contact. That sounds far sexier than the reality of the situation. One of the things I have noticed is that like most humans they communicate primarily through text messaging. Inevitably, while talking to men things get lost in translation and the next thing you know dick pics are sent, people are confused, arrests are made. Its a whole thing that could've been avoided if I was involved.

So I am gonna try and save you ladies a lot of uncomfortable situation by showing what you write to guys and what they see. It has been said that men and women speak a different language. I don't think this is true. There are just people who say what they really feel and some that are afraid of hurting people's feelings. Fuck their feelings. Embrace your inner robot. We live in the future!

Five Things I Learned In 2013...Kinda

It is the end of another year and I have managed to live. Not only have I lived but I learned a few more things about myself and humanity in general. 2013 was a year that flew by at the end but the beginning was very slow. I enjoyed the beginning of this year. The middle got ridiculous as hell and this ending is managing to cram in as much nonsense as possible. This isn't going to be a Five Things I Learned as much as it is a Five Things I Learned To Do/Don't Do. Ha. Do-do. I have enlisted the help of Bad Ass Mofo Steve Buscemi to help me with this.

Dante Self Publishes (FINALLY!)

For years my friends have been saying that I need to publish my stories. For years I've been posting them on this site and on my Facebook page and then moving on to the next one. I have finally started publishing some of them for sale with the help of Kiyoshi who has also self-published his story The Death Of Death which I have reviewed with more to come in the future. It'd be awesome if you considered buying one or more of them. They are available in many formats including print. Thanks for checking them out!

- Dante

Lady Bug

“In 1985 every street in Los Angeles had a witch house. The house that no one visits. The house where unspeakable horrors are committed. The house where one elderly old woman named Miss May but known as The Bug Lady uses her power to murder in the name of her God. 12 year old Latoya and her 7 year old brother Ronald are forced to fight the creature that hides under the bed that they were told never existed. But it does. And its very...very evil.”

The Enabler

“Have you ever wanted to learn to dance? Lose those extra pounds? How about get that promotion you've always wanted? Perhaps you've wanted to know what it feels like to kill a man. Sleep with someone other than your spouse. If you have then you should contact Cyrus Tatum. He is known as many things. An accomplish to murder. Chauvinist. A man who has ruined lives. He prefers The Enabler.”

Morbid Curiosity

“Have you ever wondered what happens to you after you have died? Do you ever crave the comfort of knowing that the souls of your loved ones is at rest? If you do then perhaps you should never hire Steven Bowes. Known for his ability to cleanse a house of evil spirits for years, Bowes would rather stay home and drown his annoyance with all things dead with alcohol. While he cant assure you that they are in a better place, he can make sure that you will have a proper nights rest. But what happens when Steven is not allowed to rest in peace?”

Click for “Lady Bug” Smashwords and Amazon and paperback.

Click for “The Enabler” on Smashwords and Amazon.

Click for “Morbid Curiosity” on Smashwords and Amazon.

Rosscast Best Of Spectacular Super Championship Edition Turbo

In this episode before my last Rosscast I went through a bunch of episodes and pulled some of my favorite moments. Surprisingly, many of them were nasty. I think I may be using the word “surprisingly” wrong. Anyhoot, thanks for sticking around for the next hour of complete nonsense presented by me, your savior. Click here to download this and previous Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Best Christmas Gifts Of Dante's Childhood

I was looking through my blogs for Christmas things I had written about and discovered that my negative ass had never made a list of toys that were my favorite as a kid. I had done one of the worst toys (click here to read that) but not the things I got that made me dance like an idiot when I opened them.

It took me a minute to figure out which ones to choose since there were a bunch. With these I am going based on the shock factor involved and how much excitement I had after getting it. Like, I can't use when I got a Nintendo as a choice since that required so much pain with dealing with getting a crumby ass Sega first. So allow me to present to you Best Christmas Gifts Of Dante's Childhood!

Shit Just Got Real 11

You ever send a letter to someone or a voice mail and realized way too late that you couldn't take it back? Well, today you can do this but instead of the one person you meant to send it to and their friend they most definitely showed your ramblings to thousands if not millions of people can witness your mistake. With things like Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram you can post something and have people you don't know and will never meet, like me, see the kinda bullshit you post.

A PR specialist, which as you keep reading will become far too damned ironic, named Justine Sacco was fired after posting a Tweet. “Going to Africa. Hope I don't get AIDS. Just kidding. I'm white!” She worked at InterActive Corp., a company that also owns Match.com, Dictionary.com, and Vimeo which are all huge companies to work for. She ended up posting an apology after she realized how big a shit storm she'd caused. Of course she's deleted her account since then.

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Bitching

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Shit Just Got Real 10

Heather sent me this story where there is video showing a bus robbery taking place. Well, it kinda sorta did. On a Seattle Metro bus 19 year old Trevonnte Brown (these names, these names...) put on a nylon mask because he must've just watched a film about crimes in the 1960's and decided that it would be a great idea to start stealing shit from people.

So here he is with his gun and walking up to passengers snatching their cell phones from them. What bothers me besides the fact that a person needs only one phone, two at most so there's no need to be taking so many, is that people are fucking oblivious to what is happening around them. I have never been surprised by something happening suddenly on the bus because I get into full meerkat mode when I'm on it. Nothing is getting past me unnoticed!

I see you, bitch!

Everyone is just like “Oh, la la la! I'm on the bus and its just me there is no one else in the world but me and who I am talking to on the phone!” Asshats. So he is just walking down the aisle and taking shit. And since there is sound I know that people were fine with having their shit taken because no one was like “This muthafucka is phone snatchin'!” Nope. They jut laid there and took it like dirty, dirty whores. Oh, you like that, don't you? Yeah. Just take it.

Parents Failing Hard 9

I'm all about parents sticking up for their kids. I am. But some parents take that shit to a whole 'nother level and its just not good for anyone. Teri Pallat, 39, of Iowa has a teen son who was being bullied and says that the school was doing nothing to stop it. That's not shocking. Schools tend to not really pay attention to shit like that. What is shocking is the Facebook post she placed stating things like her son would “shoot up” the school and “only get the ones that caused this. He is an excellent marks men.” If she is convicted she can get 5 years in prison for the terrorist threat and 2 for the harassment.

She also went on to write “And they asked why do people shoot up schools well this is exactly why and when our son does it cause I know he will they have nobody to Blame but the administration and I promise everyone he will only get the ones that caused this.” She ended up being charged with harassment and making terrorists threats. She ended up posting $10,000 bail.

Dante Saves You: Karate Kid Edition

Years ago me and Kiyoshi used to say that one of our random fantasies was to go to a school where kids were learning karate and just waste the whole place. Yes, its very immature but that's nothing compared to the things I wish I could do but shall never mention on this blog. Most involve me superkicking strangers or sleeper holds.

Reason #3 why I'm banned from church.

I have compiled a list of different kids in karate films (not to be confused with the ninja one I wrote before and if you are running around confusing ninjas and karate experts then its pretty much almost too late to be trying to save you but I am a hero of the world and a national treasure so I'll continue). So remember to stretch and start punching bags of rice in preparation for Dante Saves You: Karate Kid Edition.

Kids These Days 28

Kids are terrible. Take for instance this 11 year old that went bonkers on his grandmother in Ohio when she refused to get him a gift. Specifically he punched her in the nose. So while shopping for a gift apparently granny told a kid no and because kids don't know what that word means anymore he went off and wailed her in the face. His grandma was 60 year old Barbara Weeks. Sorry. Is 60 year old Barbara Weeks. The kid didn't hit her hard enough to, like, end her life or anything.

A witness called the cops as granny got away from the kid as he tried to hit her again. The kid was arrested, name not given because fuck warning the rest of society, and her was taken to a juvenile detention center. There is no report on what the gift was he couldn't get but I'll take a guess that it was an expensive ass video game. That's all kids want nowadays because sunlight and that whole sweating thing hurts them.

Rosscast Episode 299: The End Of An Error

In this episode I take some of my favorite moments with past guests including Josh Smith, Alex Hluch, Big Daddy Donnie, Dan-e-o, Brian, Quinno, Rico Montana, Kiyoshi, and of course Camille. This is a bunch of random clips that still make me smile and I'm glad that they are recorded because every time I hear them I laugh. Click here for this and previous Rosscast Shows.  

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Scene 7

Click here for parts 1 – 6.

I hate going first. The only time its okay is during an orgy or car crash. Otherwise you are forced to suffer or see a bunch of crap that you don't wanna see. Mr. W. Scott is standing there waiting for me to get up and walk to the center of the Shame Circle. Sad Sack won't even make eye contact with me. Boobs does and I taste the last thing I ate earlier again. I can hear Beef sniffling behind me. I look to the right a few seats over and Softy is sitting there staring at her father like she is trying to make him burst into flames.

I consider saying how shy I am about public speaking and then I hear Beef blow his nose into his sleeve and think better of it. I clear my throat and walk to the center. Mr. W. Scott steps aside as I pull the microphone closer to my lips. I wait for Mr. W. Scott to go sit down somewhere but he doesn't. He just stands there waiting for me to start.

“Hello” I say. No one responds. Rude, much? “My name is Alan Thompson and I'm kind of a big deal.” Silence. “How am I supposed to start this?”

“Start with when you first became the pathetic mess that stands before me darkening my soul with each moment you are allowed to exist” Mr. W. Scott says.

“I had my first drink when I was--”

“Earlier.”

Dante Vs Nature 31

Look! Up in the sky! Its a bird! Its a plane! No! Its thousands of goddamn bats! Run! This is some bullshit, man. But since this is in Australia when they have a problem they don't just get rid of it. The fucking destroy it! In a place called Lissner Park they used two helicopters, smoke machines, water cannons, lawnmowers, paintball guns, and...wait for it...fireworks to get rid of a bat problem. People got together to watch this shit go down and of course there were protesters because fuck logic.

Wildlife conservationists showed up to make sure things went okay during the bat removal. They ended up getting into it with an executive officer because they wouldn't let them help an injured bat. Everyone! Listen to me! I have great news! There is nothing else wrong with the world! When we are at the point as human beings where you will get confrontational over a damned bat being hurt, then something is either very wrong or very right with the world.

Kids These Days 27

Kids are stupid. This is another case of social media being used when back when I was a kid if something like this ever happened the only people that would know about it is you and whoever you told. I'm sure by now you have all heard about actor Paul Walker dying in a car crash last week. If you didn't know that then I'm sorry you found out because of this blog. Also, he is the White dude in the Fast & Furious movies. So he died and hours after the crash what was left of the car was being transported away a piece of it was stolen. Enter 18 year old Jameson Witty.

A witness saw the tow truck carrying the wrecked Porsche stopped at a light. At this point Witty decides “Logic and respect for the law and death is for pussies!” and steals a roof panel and hopped back into his friends car. So he goes on Twitter and says “Piece of Paul walkers car, took it off a tow truck at a stop light. ... I got it for my buddy who was driving the car we were in, so that he could always pay respect to the guy that got him into cars.” A second suspect, likely the driver, has been identified as well. Charges of felony grand theft and tampering with evidence are being talked about.

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Scene 6

Click here for parts 1-5.

It's lunch time and everyone is starting to fall apart. Not me. Aside from my hands shaking uncontrollably when they choose to I'm still my happy self. Sad Sack is still upset at Mr. W. Scott for telling him about the bounced check. I tried to explain to him that this place isn't free and he flipped my bed over.

With me in it.

I started talking about Black Rage and he left the room. I didn't even get to tell him about Softy and how her dad runs this place. I need to figure out why she's even here. Maybe she's a spy. I bet she is. Damn it! I knew something was wrong with this place! Man, it's as hot as a crotch in here!

“Are you hot?” I ask Happy Hands which turns out to be a bad move on my part. His tongue darts in and out of his mouth about two dozen times in a couple of seconds and he locks eyes with me. I start to turn away but he places his hand on my shoulder and I am forced to face him.

“I'm always hot” he whispers.

“Where's you other hand?” I ask. He just smiles and I bolt. I see Boobs sitting with two guys and decide that it would be responsible of me, you know socially, to leave her alone. Honestly, its the fact that she is smiling and her smile looks like it could dent steel. Its Africa hot in this place. I wipe my brow and my hand is covered in sweat. “What the hell is going on?”

“Delirium tremens” Mr. W. Scott says from behind me. “I'll be keeping a close eye on you, Mr. Thompson.”

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Orgasm Advice

Goddamn you, Cosmo. I don't know how I always end up finding these damned articles from them and then getting mad at what is written. I found one talking about female orgasms. It is this chick bitching about guy's having orgasms and women not. I'm all for women getting their rocks off. I'm a huge fan of women having orgasms. But the stuff that is described in this article bugs me.

“The female orgasm whether clitoral or vaginal is elusive, and frequently unattainable during sex if the woman’s not feeling it. Or feeling too much of something in one place and not enough in another place, or hearing your iPhone chirp with seven new text messages, or wondering if the cat is about to jump up onto the bed and swat at the guy's balls.”

First off, if you don't wanna fuck don't fuck. You don't have to let some dude climb on top of you if you don't want. If you aren't in the mood to get some you just aren't. As for all that other stuff? Turn off your phone when you're fucking. If I am fucking someone and they answer the phone, the night (date) is over. No call is that important. I don't care of your mother is dying. Maybe you shouldn't be fucking if your mom is dying. Ever think of that?!

"50 Stripes Of Gray" Part 4 of 5

Click here for Part 1.

Click here for Part 2.

Click here for Part 3.

The next morning Gary stood in the doorway of the bathroom waiting for Delvin to awaken. He had been up for two hours and was far too excited at the idea of meeting a pornstar in real life. Sure, he wouldn't be the one having sex with her but living vicariously through his far more adventurous friends was how he has stayed disease free.

Delvin finally slowly opened his bedroom door and shuffled to the bathroom, ignoring Gary. Gary smiled and tipped his cup of coffee to him. Delvin pulled out his member and attempted to urinate.

Not so fast!

“Wow” Gary said. “That looks painful. Good thing I'm coming with you for moral support. Then maybe she can give you some oral support. See what I did there?!” Gary high-fives himself spilling coffee all over his arm. “Shit fuck cunt bitch!”

“You're not coming” Delvin hisses while attempting to squeeze a drop out. “You'll just embarrass yourself.”

“You're just afraid she'll ignore you once she sees my dick” Gary says, licking coffee from his forearm.

“Why would she even see yours?”