The Seven People You Meet Around New Years

It is almost a new year and when the New Year's comes people get weird as fuck. That is why I have written The Seven People You Meet Around New Years. This is a quick guide to recognizing who is around you at this time of year and you may find yourself in one of these. You probably will. Not me though. Why? Because I'm the greatest man that ever lived and a goddamn national treasure that needs to be respected as such, that's why. Stop asking so many questions. And I stay home. On New Year's I have been to churches, raves, parties, in the streets, and just stayed my Black ass at home. I prefer the last one because I will not bump into any of the things on my list. But if anyone wants to swing on over for a free mustache ride...

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 2

Click here for Part 1.

Just as I finished getting dressed in my black jeans, turquoise Converse, and gray t-shirt my phone rings. I know the number. It's the president with a small P. I ignore the call and go fix my hair. My phone rings again and I continue to ignore it because fuck that guy. The public thinks he is all cool and smooth like “Ooh, look at me. My name is all crazy but I'm still the president from Chicago.” He has a Mortal Kombat character name.

“Why aren't you answering the phone?” Ronica shouts to me from downstairs. “You know he's gonna just keep calling.”

“Let him keep calling I don't even care” I say. “He probably knew that aliens were on their way weeks ago and decided to try and be the big man and not tell me.” I decide to check the messages president left.

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 1

“I am rock hard right now!” I screamed. Ronica woke me up at 8 in the morning which meant that either she was ready to have her pants raided like a village or the planet was being invaded. Either way I win. I headed downstairs and Ronica, Milly, Zazz, and Aimee were all watching the TV looking nervous. The reporter was sweating through his makeup while I stretched and regretted getting this 7K HD television.

“...continue to come in with a strange communication from a large ship just beyond the moon. Reports say that the ship is possibly twelve miles in diameter and...”

“Why didn't they call me as soon as they saw this shit?” I ask no one.

“Maybe they wanted to handle it themselves” Zazz said through a mouthful of eggs and cheese.

“You look like a gerbil eating another gerbil” I told him and high-fived Milly who pointed at Zazz and laughed. “She smart. Well, if the government wanna act like that then they can just fight these aliens alone. I won't lift a single well manicured finger to help. Not one!”

72 Inch Ass

I saw a woman with a 72 inch ass. Not in, like, real life. But online. By the way, for those of you that use words like “triggered” or say things like “it's their body they can do what they want” you should just click away from this right now unless you want to debate someone that only debates things like Batman, the best wrestlers from the 80's, and making bets on the next time I get some ass. You still here? Okay good. Now prepare to have some random ass Black dude talk to you about some woman in Europe that decided to mutilate her body. “But you have tattoos, Dante! You have damaged your body as well!” Ah, fuck off. It's not the same and you know it.

Dante Vs. Nature 72

The thing that I don't like about the outdoors is that nature is always hiding some weird shit from me. Like this thing. It's called the Patagonian mara. For sure pick a species. For sure you're a dog. For sure you're a rabbit. Either way my ass is not going near this. It looks shifty. Like it could either twitch its nose at you wanting some lettuce or start barking at your ass. Definitely bark. 

It can get two and a half feet big and weigh 35 pounds. Fuck that. It only has four digits on its front paws and three on the back because nature likes funsies as much as the next guy. Look at them legs. It's not structurally sound. If the mara was a building I'd be afraid to go in it. Now I wanna know what sounds this creature makes. If it doesn't bark its just pretending for the cameras. I wrote about this freak a while ago.

Dante Explains Shit: Net Neutrality

Lately I have been a hearing a lot about Net Neutrality. Well, that and the fact that Hollywood is just full of perverts. There are a lot of people talking about this but also squeezing in other bullshit to the point where it just sounds like noise to me and since I have the attention span of a priest at a Boy Scouts meeting I need shit explained to me simply. I'm sure some of you out there are the same way which is why I am doing this. Now let us figure out exactly what this is and why it will ruin your life.

KIds These Days 74

Kids these days are missing out on some great candy. Specifically bubble gum. When I was little I would always have something sweet in my mouth which is why my teeth were weak as green tea and rotted away or were easily knocked out. Dubble Bubble probably accounted for 30% of my tooth rot. These were cheap as hell and available anywhere. If you had a quarter which was hard to come by unless Grandmama was feeling generous you had five pieces and these things would last forever. I would chew these all day and fall asleep with a wad in my mouth and wake up looking like a spider had its way with my face. I would even take the wad out and stick it in my headboard and wake up and pop it in my mouth. Dental care, schmental care. I love chewing this cheap shit. Open up that package, lick some of that dust off (whatever the hell that was), and get to chewing for the next eight hours. Do kids even chew gum anymore? Like regular ass gum?

Hot Dog Bubblegum was not one of my favorites but for some reason I would end up with these tiny dicks in my mouth. They weren't hot or anything and the flavor went away faster than a Black father but I still liked them. You know that disgusting Fireball drink that folks like? They tasted kinda like that but without the horrible aftertaste and questionable sex. They had a slightly crunchy outside and suddenly cinnamon was forced into your mouth. These were not one of the cheaper gums so I didn't get it too often.

F**k Your Sign

Next to religious differences the next worse thing you can base a friendship or relationship on is zodiac signs. “Ooh, you're a Pisces?!” said no one ever. Dead serious. I spells it wrong most times. When someone asks me what my sign is I already know that it's not gonna make them happy. For whatever reason people do not like Pisces. I had no say in the matter of which month I was born in and even if I did I would not pick a particular one. It's not like I can say that one month is better than another. Here is my horoscope for today from a few sites.

“Career matters are probably going well for you, but you might be unsure if you want to continue along this track. You might consider other options, perhaps some you've always wanted to try but have never been in a position to do. Don't feel you have to decide now. You have plenty of time. Don't make a move until you're sure.”

The Whitest Of Knights

One time I looked at a woman across the street and wondered what she smelled like. Another time I liked one just because she had bomb ass legs. There was one that had the body of a Jessica Rabbit but the face of a Moe from The Simpson's and I wanted to volunteer as tribute. There have been countless ones that I have liked for purely physical reasons. There have been ones I liked that were ugmos but cool as hell and I even dated a couple. And hold on to your monocles because there have been women I've liked based purely on their hairstyle. We are living in a time right now where things you think let alone say can be used against you as a weapon and I am choosing to just opt out altogether.

There have been women I complemented only to hear them complain about the very thing I complimented them on. Saying something like “I like that shirt” ended with me staring at them as they spent the next two minutes telling me why they hated the shirt but “thanks.” It take a lot for me to compliment someone now because of that kinda shit. But now? Fuck complementing anything including the chef because anything can be taken as an insult. I used to say asshole guys ruined compliments to women or just straight up talking to them because because of them women had to walk around with their guard up. Facebook gave my cousin the option to report an image I made and I just laughed.

Don't Hate The Player

Now I saw this chick Kijuana Nige online a few days ago after I heard the story of the offensive line coach from the Miami Dolphins named Chris Foerster filming himself doing coke. I watched the video with sound and laughed my ass off seeing this man railing coke with some $20 bills and recording himself talking to a lady. I'm not sure why you would record that act since it would only be a good idea if you were on coke. Just answered my own question. In the video he says:

“Hey baby, miss you, thinking about you.” He continues “What do you think? Crazy? It's going to be awhile before we can do this again. But I think about you when I do it. I think about how I miss you, how we got together, how much fun it was. So much fun. Last little bit, before I go into my meeting. That fucked up babe? You think? I wish I was licking this off your pussy.” Now...come on. This guy is why I don't know how to talk dirty.

Dante Bitches About Ambitious Sex Positions

Goddamn it, Cosmo. I found this article called 5 Ambitious Sex Positions For the Brave and Flexible that should be called 5 Things To Do To End Up In The Hospital. I think this was made by someone that is trying to get people into a chiropractic office. By the way chiropractors are bullshit. Seriously. Look up who created it. Total bullshit and super dangerous. But this is not about that. This is about some sex positions written allegedly by a woman for you to try if you are dating a woman with loose elbows and a thick neck.

If you are daring, up for a challenge and super flexible, see if you can get yourself into one of these hardcore positions. Bonus points if you remember to stretch first.

Dante Vs. Nature 71

One of the reasons I am glad that I do these blogs other than the fact that it keeps me indoors is that I find out some interesting things about nature. And by interesting I mean terrifying. I just read a story about a guy in Texas that tried to shoot an armadillo. Yes. I said tried. It is reported that around 3am, which is the bitching hour, dude saw an armadillo in his yard and decided that it didn't belong there. So he took three shots at the damned thing.

One of the bullets bounced off the armadillo and hit his dumb ass in the jaw. He had to be airlifted to a hospital and had his mouth wired shut. I'm sure his wife who was inside is full of all the shame. A sheriff stated “We didn't find the armadillo” which means that there is a goddamn bulletproof armadillo running around the streets of Texas! I think if I saw an armadillo I would wait for it to curl into a ball. If it didn't I'd just shrug and walk away. Sure as fuck wouldn't take a shot at it.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 27

Jasmine has returned from Thailand for another episode! We talk about her trip which included not watching Thai fighting, talk about the list if anti-Dante, the health dangers of long ass flights, taste test some chips from Thailand, our Fat Tour, the world's largest woman dying, the Kardashian pregnancy epidemic, the magic of Dante's Spank Bank, not having kids for a while, Jasmine talks about people wanting photos because Black, and so much more nonsense. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

My Current Jam: Toni Storm

This is Toni Storm and she has the best ass in wrestling. That's right, I said it. The best. By far. Dare you to find a better one. Oh, and she can totally wrestle. She was born in New Zealand and lived in Australia but at 13 convinced her mother to let her move to England so she could train to be a wrestler because in Australia you don't say no to people, even children. She's only 21 now so she's pretty much a baby and I have zero chance with her because, like, she probably exercises and shit. Has to keep in shape and all that. So yeah. I first saw who she was watching the Mae Young Classic wrestling tournament and immediately became a fan.

Dante Bitches About 10 Things Guys Absolutely Hate About Missionary Sex

I dislike Cosmopolitan with the type of hatred reserved for people battling vengeful Roman gods that wipe out generations of children just to bone their mother. Every once in a while I'll check their site out to see what terrible advice they are giving women and men or to learn what not to do and complain about. In this Dante Bitches About 10 Things Guys Absolutely Hate About Missionary Sex I am gonna post what they have written, Frank Kobola (if that's his real name) and post my own response because that is what I do. Respond. Never act. I'm like the Floyd Mayweather Jr. of blogs. But taller. And less rich. And slightly more liked.

1) There's not much to see. In terms of tried-and-true “lie on top of each other and pork” style missionary, you’re not getting to see much of the action. Guys especially are very visual during sex, and as romantic as it is to stare into your eyes while boning, it isn’t exactly titillating. Yes, we love looking at your lovely face, but we get to see that every time we go out to dinner or brush our teeth together in the mirror. This is about sex, specifically nakedness. And virtually every other sex position imaginable gives guys a better look at your body.

Dante Vs. Nature 70

Bombardier beetle. Haha. Well played nature. Make a bug that can shoot explosions out of its ass. Makes perfect sense. This insect version of a frat boy or three year old (which are mysteriously gassy!) can even choose what direction they want to shoot this shit at you. It keeps two chemicals, hydroquinone and hydrogen peroxide, loaded in the chamber and once it is ejected the air makes it become an explosion. 

Oh, and in case you think I'm just worrying for nothing these things live everywhere except Antarctica. These baby monsters hunt at night consuming other bugs using its natural shotgun powered ass. And its not like this thing hits you once and escapes like a Black teenager. No. This stores enough ass bullets to get you about twenty times which is enough to kill most of what it is hunting for. You should see the video of these goddamn things. Its not like some little “pewn!” comes out. It'd be like running up on a kid thinking you can steal their candy and they whip out a weapon from Fallout. I also don't like that it looks like other insects. Is it a bee? A wasp? (shoots fire) Nope. 

Click here for previous Dante Vs Nature.

Five Things I Learned Having Crushes

I get crushes. Not often but it happens and when it does I tend to sigh heavily on the inside and moan like a sick whale on the outside. I don't know about you but when I have a crush it tends to be more annoying than this fun experience like it is in movies. For me a crush is different than liking someone. When I like someone, or god forbid fall in love, it is definite and there will be some action taken. When it's a crush it can drag on for damn near a year of questioning everything from my clothing choices to multi-verses where I'm far more confident in my ability to confront these wicked city women I fall for. In this Five Things I Learned Having Crushes you will get a taste of my struggle. There are really more than five but you don't need to know that much about me. You already know too much. Stop being nosy. I'll be getting some help with this from Ralph Wiggum.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 26

Jasmine has returned and we talk about a Fat Tour she denies, me having trouble finding a hard bath brush, being intentionally uninformed, discuss the recent eclipse, Y2K, cults, the logistics of nudity in heaven, too much celebrity news, The Bachelor and reality show sex, bad street walkers, health and food panicking, the shocking truth about chicken eggs, and so much more. We were all over the damned place. In case you're wondering about the sirens and helicopters were later found out a huge fire was happening down the street. Click here for this and previous Just Talking With Dante.

Grown Ass Man Tips: Staring

Staring at folks is dangerous. Just look at the animal kingdom. Staring directly at another creature's eyes can end with you being beaten like a drum or ending up on a t-shirt with your start and end date. The same goes for humans. How many post-primates do you know that like to start some shit because they “were looked at the wrong way”? Cut that shit out. There are times when someone looks at me for too long and I'm not sure if I am supposed to fight or fuck them. If I can look you in the eyes for more than two seconds chances are I am screaming inside my head for you to put your lips against mine or we are cool as fuck. Otherwise I look into your eyes, make sure you're not a figment of my sleep deprived imagination, and continue talking. 

The Seven Ex's You'll Have

This post is gonna apply to men and women so don't get confused when I switch between terms like “he” and “she” and shit like that. I mean, that doesn't even matter to a lot of folks these days. Its just a regular ol' bangarang orgy in these streets! In this post The Seven Ex's You'll Have I will talk just about that. This will of course include some experiences I've had in the past and since I ain't had a real girlfriend in four years or any stank on my hang low in over one I feel that I am an expert in talking about this kinda thing. Or not. Either way I have a blog, fingers, and too many opinions I like to share with strangers. 

My Current Jam: Tabria Majors

When you say someone is a BBW that second B is real important. There are too many BW's adding that extra B when they don't deserve it. That's right, I said it. I first spotted Tabria Majors on TMZ for some Sports Illustrated photo shoot because I don't think anyone reads that shit for actual sports anymore. Anyhoot, this chick is cute as fuck. I need to do another post explaining what the hell that term even means. Like, she is so cute I don't wanna touch her. She's like one of those cakes with all that pretty shit on it. You just wanna stare at it because its too pretty to ruin. If I was dating her I wouldn't want her parents to know that I was having the sex with her. Just apologize to her father every time I met him.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 25

Jasmine is back! In this episode we talk about our Fat Tour of the day, “reintimidate” the sound of an old lady which makes Jasmine lose her mind, how I can not say the word “orange” properly, we list the reasons why we could not be in jail, Jasmine breaks down what prisons do not have, how long it'd take me to sleep with an ugly prison guard, discuss white draws, getting attacked for jerking it, I explain how I'd breeze through solitary confinement, we discuss Black Mirror a bit, talk Rob Kardashian/Blac Chyna drama, Beyonce babies, and why I want to join R. Kelly's cult. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Kids These Days 73

I have written about candy from my childhood before (click here to check that out). This time I am going to write about some more. One of them I forgot existed for good reasons because it tasted like Satan's pantyline. When I think of my childhood and all the candy I consumed it is shocking that I'm not 300 pounds and the owner of all the diabetes. There are enough candies that have been discontinued for whatever reasons. They probably caused long since gone diseases or something. Who knows? Either way I still want 'em back. Mostly. 

Cherry Clan. Nothing like good ol' fashioned racist candy, right? These were fucking delicious. Of course they could never release something like this with that packaging even if they changed it because of old assholes like me. This was in the same family of candy as Lemon Heads, Johnny Apple Treats, and Alexander The Grape. Yes, these were all candies that once existed and you won't get to try unless you like in Bumfuck, Tennessee or buy them off of eBay and I assure you they'll be covered in dust and those diseases that no longer exist I mentioned. 

Just thinking off these is making my mouth water. I'm not sure what they were coated in but your hand would be deep red which was kinda cool because it was like having extra candy when you licked your hand clean. We didn't wash our hands in the 80's which we all know is the cause of AIDS. Its science. It didn't really taste like cherry so much as, well, sugar. It was white on the inside just like the candies I mentioned above and colored on the outside. Top ten no longer around candies.

Creepy Woman Becomes Creepy Dark Woman

When I first saw this woman I thought it was a fake image. I figured that there was no one that would for real do the same shit that Robert Downey Jr. from Tropic Thunder did. Turns out I was wrong. Martina Adams aka Martina Big is a German model that is known for having the biggest bazungas in Europe. She is now known for for turning her skin darker in an attempt to transition into being a Black woman. This woman looks spooky as shit. Just to get that out of the way in case anyone reading this thought that she was My Current Jam or something. She isn't. This shit is frightening.

After having some extensions added to her hair she said “To become more and more a black woman, that is such a wonderful feeling. I'm so happy. I'm a black girl with black hair, so I have to change very soon my passport.” I think that should be the least of her concerns. Frightening children and making it harder for me to sleep should be higher up on that list. She also says she plans to change more of her features and get a bigger butt.

Dante Vs. Nature 69

For anyone that says “God doesn't make mistakes!” I present to you Trichobatrachus robustus aka Hairy Frog aka Wolverine Frog! This fucking thing looks like something out of a Guillermo Del Toro film. When not in scare the shit out of travelers mode its claws sit in its back feet. But when it wants to give you a story to talk about when you get home looking different they pop out of its hands. They don't even come out of normal claw places either. The shits come out of its palms. It breaks its own bones just to defend itself. Its the same shit that frat boys or lunatics do but instead of ripping off their shirt to flash their barbed wire tattoo they smash their hands into glass and use that glass as a weapon. It'd be like high-fiving a demon and I don't need that stress in my life.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 24

Jasmine has returned for another show! We talk about our Fat Tour, our drink refill policies, people getting upset at Kendrick Lamar for actually being humble, we discuss the Kathy Griffin photo controversy, Bill Maher dropping n-bombs, I discuss wanting to be a cult leader, couples that prank one another, students using retweets to get out of doing finals, I ask Jasmine a series of Would You Rather? questions, we talk about dead bodies doing living things, and the Kardashian sex circle. This episode was all over the place but fun. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Best Of Just Talking With Dante/Jasmine Part 4

This is the final installment of the Best Of Talking With Dante & Jasmine. It was fun putting these together. Thanks to Jasmine for being such a fun guest and making this show so much better and for all you random folks out there that listen to and download this show. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Best of Just Talking With Dante/Jasmine Part 3

Once again I have gathered some of my favorite clips of Just Talking With Dante featuring my cousin Jasmine. I think there will be one or possibly two more of these and I also plan on doing one of our music show (D&J DJ's). Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Best Of Just Talking With Dante/Jasmine Part 2

This is the second installment of The Best Of Just Talking With Dante & Jasmine. Again I had a hard time trimming this down to moments I liked. There are always things that I forgot we said or talked about. Be sure to click here to check out previous episodes of Just Talking With Dante.

Johnny Panic: Street Walkin' Cheetah Part 3 of 3

Click here for parts 1 & 2.

Mom, Milly in my old highchair, and I sit down and she tries to give Milly a carrot. Milly stares at it the way a cat does a cucumber. It's weird sitting with my mom and a little baby that belongs to me. It's insane actually. A baby came from my penis. My penis! Isn't that mind-blowing?! I know she came from Ronica's innards but still. She started here. Milly finally accepts the carrot from my mom and stares at it, squinting.

“What is she doing?” mom asks.

“I think she is trying to use heat vision” I say.

“Does she have heat vision?” she asks and leans back a few inches.

“Not that I'm aware of” I say. “If she gets heat vision I'm gonna be super pissed. I've always wanted heat vision.”

“No, you always wanted to brown note people which I'll never understand” she tells me.

“You know how cool it would be to make people poop themselves?” I ask her.

“You've told me...”

New Dating/Relationship Rules

This is something I've been thinking about for a while after my last few relationships. I've not been in many as I tend to date someone for a couple of years and afterward stay single for an extended amount of time. The last time I was with someone it lasted less than a month and before that it was in 2013 and that last five months. Before that it was lasting for years each time. That is a little backstory. To go into even further detail just so you know a bit about these previous relationships the races have varied, their heights, weights, origins, occupations, and behaviors. The only thing I can say they all had in common was that they were nice at one point and we could talk.

I decided to create these New Dating/Relationship Rules because people keep tripping and not being honest. Or people are afraid to ask these questions which sucks because it would save a lot of time and heartbreak. These are questions that are acceptable between the first and third date. Skip talking about boring shit like politics and religion. That stuff is important in gathering crazy level data but that is long term thinking. You gotta ask these questions before you get them draws.

Best Of Just Talking With Dante/Jasmine Part 1

I have decided to start gathering best of moments from Just Talking With Dante with Jasmine as my guest. She is by far my favorite one and every time I've done one of these shows (and before and after which none of you hear) we laugh our asses off. I plan on doing a few of these. It was hard to pick my favorite moments because there were quite a few. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Dante Vs. Nature 68

See this shit? Its a Flamboyant Cuttlefish. And I don't like it one bit. Makes me nervous and represents everything that is fucked up about going into the water. This type is the only one that walks on the sea floor. Know why? Cause its a fatty fatty fat fat. It can float for moments and then sinks its strange looking ass right back down. There are other fish that walk and I'll get to them eventually (I'm looking at you, red lipped batfish!). These things live nowhere near me which is good for both of us. They don't get much bigger than about two and a half inches which is awesome because when I see weird shit and imagine it larger I just think of that Korean film The Host and I don't need that kind of stress in my life.

Bunch Of Random Ass Questions Part 4

Click here for previous entries.

Relationships With Others

In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping them at a distance, etc.)? Does your treatment of them change depending on how well you know them, and if so, how?

Most start at a baseline. I am not one of those “You gotta earn my respect!” people. You have to earn my time. I am polite and am accused of having a mother that raised me well. I do the whole opening doors, holding doors, and all that shit. Not to get ass but because it feels natural. But...I have been perceived as rude by people that do not know me well because I tend to not talk to people I find uninteresting.

Who is the most important person in your life, and why?

My best friend Camille. She is because she is.

Who is the person you respect the most, and why?

I try to give most people the same amount but oddly its probably my mother. I won't curse in front of her. That sounds more like respectful. 

Bunch Of Random Ass Questions Part 3

Click here for previous entries.

Past Influences

What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?

Getting hit by a car when I was 7. That event led to a whole series of events that ended up defining a lot of aspects of my life from that day forward.

Who has had the most influence on you?

Still going to have to be my brother Kevin and not just because he is dead and his legend has grown over time. He was actually one of my favorite people to ever exist.

Bunch Of Random Ass Questions Part 2

Click here for Part 1

Growing Up

How would you describe your childhood in general?

I think it was a good combination of fun, violent, ridiculous, and traumatic. I turned out far better than some that have never even had their parents yell at or hit them. Where's my medal?!

What is your earliest memory?

Having my mother take me into the shower and freaking out. I was probably reliving some past life as a civil rights activist getting hosed down. My father say I had to have been less than a year old when that happened. The other is licking the screen on the play pen at my grandmama's house because it was fun to do. I was about 1 years old then.

How much schooling have you had?

All of it except college.

While You Were Sleeping: Gabriel Taye Suicide

Ugh. I have been putting this one out just because it made me miserable to know. This is about a kid named Gabriel Taye that was bullied in school. Unlike a lot of other stories where a kid is bullied and brings a gun from home to school and kills folks this 8 year old ended up hanging himself at home. Of course none of the people that should take any form of responsibility for this has or will. A couple of days before he killed himself he was attacked by another student at school. There is video of this if you wanted to know. This other kid, that should be in some kinda juvenile center if you ask me, shoved Taye into a wall knocking him unconscious.

While he was laying on the ground for about five minutes other kids came by and nudged him, laughed, and even a school official who was right by him didn't notice him on the ground. The school didn't tell his mother, Cornelia Reynolds, that he was attacked of knocked unconscious at school. They just said that he fainted. The case is reopening because after he had killed himself it was treated as very open and shut. The county coroner, Lakshmi Sammarco, requested that the police open this case back up and implied that it could be a homicide. “There's enough information here that we would like to reopen the case to look at whether we need to amend the death certificate. It was very hard for me to believe that an 8-year-old would even know what it means to commit suicide and so I asked Cincinnati police to treat this as a homicide until proven otherwise and investigate it fully.”

Bunch Of Random Ass Questions Part 1

I found this thing online with a hundred questions. I decided to do it because I am just sitting here postponing writing another blog that is of far more social significance but is depressing so I am dragging my heels in doing it. 

The Basics

What is your full name?

Delvin Ross. If you are reading this you likely already know my middle name. Hell, look at the name of this blog. Its not hard to figure out.

Where and when were you born?

I was born in Beverly Hills technically but I still say Los Angeles, California. I even got a tattoo proclaiming that I was made here. Oh, and in 1979.

Who are/were your parents? (Know their names, occupations, personalities, etc.)

Both of my parents are retired now. They did county work pretty much my whole life. My father is quiet for the most part unless he gets turnt and my mother is loud and tends to not like many people.

1 Mom 2 Cups

When I first saw this story I was automatically skeptical. There have been so many reports and video of folks getting into fights on planes with staff, each other, scorpions, and dying rabbits. Just too much. But this story confirmed my skepticism after I watched an interview about a Missouri mother of two named Nicole Harper with an overactive bladder. 

She says that while she was on a plane that she had to use the restroom but the staff would not let her. “I get out of my seat to go to the bathroom, the flight attendant gets on the intercom and says I need to return to my seat. They very rudely said that I was not allowed to get out of my seat and at that point I said 'well I'm either going to need to go to the bathroom or you're going to have to give me a cup to pee in or something'.” Ask and you shall receive! I read that in the bible once. Spartacus 3:16 I believe. Don't quote me on that though. I haven't been to church since Obama's first term.

Kids These Days 72

I saw this video the other day and immediately wanted to see this guy get arrested. Didn't care about race, age, location, previous life experiences. Nothing. Just arrest him. This 16 year old kid named Leon Balfour was at a pool party when this 68 (some places say 69) year old lady named Nancy James in North Lauderdale, Florida asked them to turn down the music at a pool party. There is video of all of this so you can see how many people, about 200 of them, are there just making a shit ton of noise. This isn't at a park or club. Its an apartment complex. So while she is there with her two dogs this kid comes up behind her and lifts her off the ground. They fall and she lands on her shoulder. No one steps in to help or stop this. Way more important to film and post it online. Leon then picks up the old lady and throws her into the pool with himself while everyone cheers.

You can say he slipped and dropped her. An accident because he went down as well. But, and this is the important part, he shouldn't have even touched her. This kid had absolutely no business touching this lady let alone lifting her off the ground for any reason. And the fact that he didn't stop at dropping her and then tossing her into a swimming pool makes it that much worse. Nancy suffered bruises on her shoulder and thigh and has been released from the hospital. In an interview she said “No one should ever, ever, ever, ever, have to go through that, you know? It just shouldn't happen. The kid has not evolved yet into what you're supposed to be as a human being.”

Dante Vs. Nature 67

A few days ago I watched this cool ass special about plants that ate insects and sometimes rodents on PBS as suggested by Camille. While watching all these goofy ass insects I got stuck in a Wikipedia hole and wondered which insects hurt the most when they stung us. The second worse is called a tarantula hawk or as I say “churanchula” hawk. Fuck this thing. Ain't a tarantula or a hawk! 

Its about two inches long and gets its name because it paralyzes an actual tarantula and then drags its stupid body to its nest and lays its eggs inside of the spiders abdomen. When the babies are hatched they eat the tarantula for a long time making sure to keep it alive as long as possible. They are then big enough to burst out the spider because nature isn't scary enough so it decided that you should be walking through a jungle one day, spot a dead tarantula, and suddenly these things come exploding out of its body. Tarantula hawks are known as something called nectarivorous and will eat fermented fruit till they get drunk and can't fly. Yeah. That's just what I thought the world was missing. Flying death bugs that are turnt. They say that the best way to handle being stung by one of these is to just lay somewhere and scream. I'm dead serious. They says its because when you are in that much pain you are gonna be acting eleven kinds of stupid and should just chill the fuck out. And scream. The sting won't kill you but you will just wish you were.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 23

Jasmine is back! We talk about our day of getting Plan Check, a new donut spot, complaints about being in downtown Los Angeles, me talking shit about everyone I see on the street, we lose our minds for a few minutes because of “chocolate mudslides”, a new drug called “pink”, Uber rides, hanging out with ugly people, and why I only hang out with girls. This was one of my favorite shows to record and edit. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante episodes.

The Devil You Know

I have been trying to figure out how to write this for a while now. Last year someone I've known on and off since I was in junior high disappeared for a while. I'd send him comic book links and nerd stuff on Facebook and he wouldn't respond or see any of them. Fast forward months later and a mutual acquaintance asked if I had heard from him and asked if I checked the sheriffs inmate site for him. I'm glad that the way my life is going no one thinks to do that if they don't hear from me. They just think I am dead. So I check the site and it showed that his bail was set at a million dollars and that he was charged with a felony.

Yeah. Imagine my surprise.

But this was just the beginning. I talked to my mother about this and a few friends about this and she said to call and just ask what he was locked up for. I didn't know it was that easy. The lady answered, I gave his name, and she was like “continuous abuse of a minor.” I said thank you and hung up like “What. The. Fuck.” I told someone else that has known him even longer than I did and he was in shock as well. I told the first person that got me onto this and she was doubtful of the charge while my brain immediately thought he was guilty because he's a guy.

Kids These Days 71

When I first heard this story I was like “So what's the big deal?” I saw so many fights in school growing up and was in a couple. Hell, seeing a fight in school was one of the most exciting things that could happen. You remember what it was like if you missed a day at school? People would be like “There were three fights yesterday! Miss Aberley threw Tamika across the hallway! It was crazy!” It always happened like that. When you were there the fight was wack or would be broken up before it really started. These days kids are fucking savages and there are no one on one fights. Also, they record it. There is no evidence of fights from when I was growing up unless some kid got beat so bad they look or act different till this day. 

This fight happened at Cheltenham High School in Wyncote which is somewhere near Philly. These two girls started fighting and then two more jumped in because kids are kids. Everyone starts screaming and then some teachers try to break it up. There is a way to break up fights, you know. These teachers didn't and one of them tried to catch hands with her face and went down like a sack of bricks.

As you can see from the video provided she took a dive. I've watched boxing damn near 40 years and I know a dive when I see one. This was some Vladi Divac level shit. Some FIFA shit. That was a glancing blow at best. In all eight teachers were hurt. This shit started at 7:30am which means the shit talking started the previous night. Three of the girls were charged as children while one of them who is 18, Amber Lewis, was charged as an adult. Isn't the law weird? She was locked up on $10,000 bond. Goddamn. People beat up cops and get out for less than that. The school has offered counseling for students that are weaker than that teachers' jaw if they wanna talk about the fight.

Click here for previous Kids These Days.

While You Were Sleeping: Jordan Edwards Shooting

Whenever there is any shooting of a Black person by police the first thing that is done is digging. Media outlets and bloggers who side with the police regardless of any information that has or has not been released will begin to see if their “side” is going to win another fight. Its stupid and never something I understand. People do the same thing with politics, religion, and their race. They want to know if someone who is now dead ever committed a crime, hit a woman, or owned a gun to justify why they are no longer breathing. Jordan Edwards is a 15 year old kid that was shot and killed by Officer Roy Oliver last Saturday in Balch Springs, Texas.

DaddyOFive Kids Thankfully Taken Away

There is a Youtube channel called DaddyOFive and MommyOFive that some of you may have heard of from the news. I heard about them about a month ago of them pranking their kids. That's what they do. Its not even funny. Its the kinda shit that makes serial killers and school shooters. I'm not kidding. A lot of kids get fucked with by their family for far less and do some violent shit because of it let alone having it posted online for millions of people to see. The channel is run by the father Michael Martin and his wife Heather Martin. In another video commenting on people talking about their bad parenting skills they sit together and call everyone a hater. If you don't like seeing kids yelled at for things they didn't do and traumatized then you are a hater.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 22

In this random ass episode I talk about being sick, getting tired of having hair, my lack of enthusiasm, and Kim Kardashian's giant fake ass. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Dante Vs. Nature 66

Nature is like a god that will only send you to hell if you worship it. “That doesn't make sense” someone just said. No. You don't make sense. Much like nature. I saw a bat online and immediately said “Fuck you!” to it and decided to look up some other bats. Out of these three I only knew of the existence of one of them. Its the Megabat. Just by the name alone you know its trouble. This punk ass thing has a wingspan of almost six fucking feet. That is not fair. 

They say it only eats fruit but I think they are lying. They do not use echolocation like most bats instead having a great sense of smell instead. See, that way they can smell your fear and snatch you away from your adventurous friends on that stupid ass hike they convinced you to go on. You know how many people have died and the last thing they heard was “Oh, don't worry. It only eats fruit and bugs”? I don't know either. But I bet its in the dozens. Oh, and get this. They are reservoirs for the ebola virus. You even know what the fuck that means? It means they carry the shit but show no signs of it. Assholes. Flying in the air with they little dingalings just flapping in the breeze. Its gross!

My Current Jam: Random Ass Women

I am into the most random ass women at the moment and oversharing. The first is a fitness chick named Miche. Don't know the rest of her name. Don't care. I like looking at her. I don't even know what her voice sounds like. She is in her early 20's, from Tampa Florida, and is 5 foot 2 and 140 pounds most of which seems to be in two places. The fact that she is super young and into fitness means that automatically I am out of the running for being with her in any sense of the word. 

She is also into motivating people so I am definitely out. She is into guys with goals so we're pretty much beating a dead horse. What a terrible phrase that is. Her size (hips and all that shit) is available but it means nothing to me. Even when bra sized is explained to me in the simplest terms my brain just goes “Dolphins are so weird...” and I drift off. This chick is hot and tiny and I could fit her into my pocket. The only turn off I could find is when she said in an interview that she doesn't like Photoshop in her pictures and has cellulite and such. Its like when a 20 years old dude that should physically be at his peak saying he doesn't mind that he doesn't have abs. Its like, shut up. You'll mind one day. Anyhoot, cute chick. I'd smash. I love that term. Its terrible, but I love it and never get to say it.

Five Things I Learned Late

As smart as I was as a child there were still quite a few bits of basic information that I did not learn, was not taught, or never bothered to learn at an age appropriate time. I'm not quite sure how to describe the way I learned certain things while others just scooted on by. But there are some things I do remember learning or stumbling across and learning. These are Five Things I Learned Late. I know that you will read this and either laugh or feel bad for me. Don't. Feel bad that I ain't got any ass in a year or because I didn't taste a real mango until I was 35 years old.

How To Tie My Shoes

This one is a combination of parents that didn't give a damn and a lazy kid. I saw kids tying their shoes that were younger than me. I saw it on TV shoes. I knew that it was something I needed to learn, but fuck that. I was young and had shit to do. I didn't have time to be stopping to bend down and tie something I could just stuff into the sides of my shoes. Mind you, I waltzed into kindergarten knowing how to read and do math and at the age of 7 was reading at a junior high level. I just couldn't tie my shoes. It wasn't until I was 9 years old that I said “Guess its time to learn this” and did. It didn't take long at all. I just stared at my shoes, recalled some bullshit I saw on a TV show where a kid learned to tie his shoes, and that was it.

Folks Eating And Dying

I heard about two separate cases of people dying during some kind of eating/endurance challenges. The first was this cute ass 20 year old chick named Caitlin Nelson. Yes, the first thing I thought when I saw her before hearing her story was how cute she was. The second was that her dad died on 9/11. The third was that she was one of the most helpful people ever. And lastly that she died during a charity pancake eating contest. At this contest at her school Sacred Heart University in Fairfield in Connecticut she choked to death during the event. The official cause of death stated “asphyxia due to obstruction of airway by bolus of food.” I have never heard the term bolus in my entire life.

A policeman said that she started to choke on the food and someone noticed and helped her to the ground. They began CPR until police arrived two minutes later. The police tried to clear her throat but it didn't work and she ended up dying at the hospital. She was actually taken to one hospital and then another. Her family has stated that she was an organ donor so even in death she is still being more helpful than I'll ever be if you ave me another 38 years on this planet. After reading her story I thought “What a shitty way to go.” Just the other day my cousin asked me how I'd like to die. Fast or long. Fast meaning suddenly. Slow meaning I have time to say goodbye to folks and get shit in order. I picked fast.