The Seven Men Women Shouldn't Date

I feel that I need to preface this by saying that I am not an expert at anything except complaining. I can complain about any subject you give me. I have written posts like The Seven Women Nerds Will Date, The Seven Men Female Nerds Will Date, and The Seven People You Find On Valentine's Day. This time I will cover The Seven Men Women Shouldn't Date. Now you may know someone that is like the type of guys I am describing or you may be one yourself. Either way, this isn't about you...right? I'm just some random ass dude just talking shit and you shouldn't take any of this personally. You shouldn't but you will because that's how people are these days.

“What makes you such an expert on who people should or shouldn't date, you asshole?” someone just asked aloud which is weird because this is on a screen and won't respond to you. I'm not an expert on any one thing. Rather I'm like Batman. He is great because he is good at a lot of different things. It gives you a pretty good all around concept of how things and people work. And as always there are exceptions to rules. I hate that I even have to say that, you babies. This is the part where instead of reading you scroll through quickly to see if you or anyone you know made the list. 

Just Talking With Dante Episode 15

In this episode Jasmine is back from the jungle! We talk about going on a Fat Tour of food, my dislike of people singing, Jasmine's adventures in Costa Rica, Dante's displeasure of hot rain, fear of heights, Dante once again explains how he could land a plane, and Dante has Jasmine explains TSA. Click here for this and previous episodes.

Landlord Gets Schwifty In Tenants Apartment

This Colorado landlord named Carlos Quijada just may be one of the nastiest ass people to ever nasty. He is being charged with criminal trespassing and misdemeanor obscenity after he was recorded having sex in one of his tenants places. The couple that lives there, Logan Pierce and Mikaela DiGiulio, were obviously not there at the time that he decided to use their bed as his filthy fuck pallet. The couple has a security system set up from a company called Nest that had the motion sensor triggered and notified Logan by phone. When he later checked the camera feeds he was treated to some straight up gay porn in the form of Carlos and another man having oral and butt sex in the span of six minutes. But it gets worse. I have no problem with gay sex. Do who ya like (insert Humpty Hump horns) but please not on someone elses bed. That shit is just foul. But it gets worse.

Carlos man-friend grabbed a dress from the laundry pile to wipe his dick clean while Carlos grabbed another item of clothing to clean up the lube stain left on the bed. Such class. Much consideration. Oh, by the way, the dress used to clean up was worn by the wife in their wedding ceremony earlier this year. There is not enough Clorox in the world to get that bed clean! I would have to contact a goddamn witch doctor to sleep comfortably in that place ever again. Having the sex in a tenants bed is terrible. But cleaning yourself off on their clothes? Come on, now. Just...no. 

My Current Jam: Rose Bertram

I was trolling TMZ a few days ago and they had this image of these models together on the beach just sitting there being models and doing what models do like make women feel bad about themselves because they don't weight 90 pounds and can barely get a free refill on their Pepsi based on the way they are built let alone get sent around the world just so people can take pictures of them because of their structure. I'm not normally even into models unless they look bizarre. But when I saw this pack of models the one all the way to the right grabbed my eyes. And by eyes I mean penis.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 14

I am back with my cousin Jasmine! Yay! We talk about delicious donuts from ICDC, some bus tales, a woman that disfigured a man's penis parts, very tiny wangs and how to deal with them nicely, paying for sex with food, holiday shopping, dressing for the first day of school, and being presentable when leaving the house. Click here for previous episodes.

Dante Vs. Nature 63

I saw this story and laughed my ass off. I thought it was fake but triple checked and this shit is way true and proof that nature is a bitch with a bad sense of humor. This Chicago alderman named Howard Brookins Jr. has been very vocal about the squirrels in the city ruining the garbage cans and costing the city money but damaging the trash lids. One of the squirrels wasn't having that shit anymore and decided to take one for the team by launching its crazy little ass into his bike spokes while he was riding. I'm not kidding. Its in that picture all up in the spokes.

Brookins ended up with a broken nose, knocked out teeth, and fractured skull after he ended up flipping over the handlebars. I've done that shit before but I was a little kid. Not a grown ass man. And certainly not attacked by a woodland creature. Someone called 911 for him likely after calming down from laughing. “I can think of no other reason for this squirrel's actions than that it was like a suicide bomber, getting revenge.” I would say he sounded like a lying liar who lies but there is too much evidence that this squirrel was out for blood.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.  

Johnny Panic: Street Walkin' Cheetah Part 1 of 3

I know it sounds bad but sometimes I forget that I'm a father. I know that I win Sexiest Man Alive pretty much every year, I'm the most powerful human to ever exist ever, and the coolest person you know. Johnny Panic. Hello. Is that a new shirt? No? Well, it looks great. The blue really brings out the love your have for me in your eyes. Don't deny it. I don't care. You know its true, so accept it.

“Do you have everything?” Ronica asks me while I pack Milly's bag for the day...which I will immediately toss on the roof when I leave. I put in a spare pair of clothes. You'll find out why later. Some snacky nyum nyum's. And juice. That's all a kid pretty much needs in life. Ronica goes through the bag and removes everything I packed and puts in stuff adults thinks kids need to survive. She knows Milly is tough but she has no idea how tough. Because I'll never tell her. She'd kill me if she knew the crazy shit me and our baby have done so I could find out just how strong she is.

We've flown into volcanoes, stopped bank robberies, put a fire out in an orphanage which is the cheesiest superhero thing I've ever done, bitch slapped sharks, and the most dangerous of all...drank water in India. Trust me. I had a hard time explaining to Ronica why our daughter was peeing out of her butt for three days. I blamed it on her moms muffins. Milly is just over 1 years old and has shown more abilities than I did at her age. I was about 7 when I first flew. All the other cool shit came later. Milly can fly. Well, if I'm being honest its more like floating. You take her off her string and she'll just go straight up. She can't be hurt in any way we've discovered. She has my sonic scream. And she laughs in the face of danger. 

Like right now.

How Donald Trump Won And Why Its Your Fault

That is the most click bait title ever written. If you told me that I could pick between explosive diarrhea for the next four years or uncontrollable vomiting I would ask you “Can I just say no?” If you told me yes I would just walk away. I don't want either of those things. That is how I viewed this previous election with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. I saw two big problems and a small solution in Gary Johnson. “Who?” someone just asked. Exactly. People continually bitch about this two party system we have while voting for people that represent those two parties exclusively because “Go team go!” Everyone wants to belong to a team. Not me. Lone wolf up in this bitch.

You know Trump isn't a Republican right? He had to get into that party because he knows how stupid people are and they cant conceive of the notion of voting for a third party candidate or outside what they think is theirs no matter what. Folks are still washing the taste of Ross Perot out of their mouth. Before 1987 and from 2001 to 2009 he voted Democrat. From 1999 to 2001 he voted Reform. In 2011 – 2012 he was Independent. He is still Independent but he knows that wont work so he hopped on the Republican ticket. And guess what? The shit worked. He is now your President. Decades ago Hillary was Republican but we wont talk about that because girl power.

Body Shaming Leads To Possible Jail Time

Earlier in the summer I wrote a post about the 29 year old Playmate named Dani Mathers after she took a Snapchat image of an older one in the gym nude and posted it online (click here to check that out). I said that nothing would happen to her because reasons and it turns out I am wrong. Los Angeles city attorney has filed criminal charges against Mathers citing invasion of privacy which is a misdemeanor. She of course apologized and said things like “That was absolutely wrong and not what I meant to do...I know that body-shaming is wrong. That is not the type of person I am.” Sure you're not.

Dante Bitches About Maxim Hot 100 2016

I came this close to not bitching about Maxim Magazine and their Maxim Hot 100 this year. I have spent so much of it enjoying myself and/or complaining about so many other things in the world this slipped on by. I do one of these every year for the past few and each time they manage to get worse. This one has to be by far the worse list they have none not just because there is barely any goddamn variety but also because I don't know who the fuck most of these women even are.

I'm gonna do like normal and cover some of the women from 100 all the way to the top ten because by that point I'll be good and pissed off at the amount of not ass this list has. Seriously. Almost every woman on this list are like palette swaps of the same person but with deeper tans than others. This thing really makes me believe more and more that its made up. And before you ask none of these hot ass women made the list.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 13

In this episode I talk about finding a shitty thong on the sidewalk, Halloween as a child, and share some stories of playing pranks on my mother and what happened when I gave her the middle finger. Blame Jasmine for this episode. Click here to download previous episodes.

Kids These Days 68

Kids getting sent from school for wearing something or having a style that the school didn't agree with isn't new. My cousin got sent home when we were little because he had one of those shirts that said “Crack Kills” and the image was a skinny dude stuck inside a big woman's ass. I can see why the school would do that and why his mama shouldn't have let him wear it. But there was no rule that said he couldn't. A 13 year old kid in North Yorkshire, England named Chenise Benson was sent home after showing up to school with braids. Yeah, the ones you see above. Some reports are calling them dreadlocks because they have never seen dreadlocks before. She got them for her birthday during a break in school and her dad Darren Benson is pissed because he wasted $170 on 'em because he expected the braids or his daughters interest in them to last a year.

“One of her friends at the school, who has Jamaican heritage, has the same style of haircut but with a red stripe in it rather than white, and she has been allowed to remain. I've read the policy regarding haircuts, and I can’t see what rule she has broken.” Ah, the good ol' fashioned “they did it so why can't I?” defense. The school has a policy against kids thinking their opinions matter.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 12

In this episode I talk about Pornhub BBW category going to far in the B's, a drunk dude at bus stop whose ass I almost had to kick, my raggedy ass fire alarm, stinkbugs fucking my screen, and lion getting their jaws broken. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

My Current Jam: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is 5 foot 9 and 155lbs. of hot chocolate. She was born in Saginaw, Michigan and moved to Compton when she was little and started practicing tennis by the age of 3. Know I was doing at 3? Watching game shows and knowing how to read. She has won twenty one Grand Slam titles, thirteen in doubles, two in mixed doubles, and four Olympic gold medals. She is 34 years old (very much in my dating age bracket) and the oldest ranking female tennis player to be number one. She is one of those people that seems like she can not not be a champion or strive to be but she also seems fun as fuck.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 11

Jasmine has returned! We talk about the donuts and burgers we ate today, Jasmine gets distracted by a unicycle, broken Black people, the dirty truth about CPR, ugly child actors, Dante wanting an obsessed woman, and other things that can not be recalled. Its fun. Click here for previous episodes.

Racist Or Stupid?

The internet is not your friend. That is the biggest message I want to get across with this random ass blog post. A Kansas State University student by the name of Paige Shoemaker posted an image on her Snapchat with a friend wearing facial masks with the caption “Feels good to finally be a ni**a.” Another student posted the image on Twitter and all hell broke loose. 

Shoemaker ended up writing an apology for herself and her friend in the image Sadie Meier on Facebook. Let me translate this for a second. These two girls did something stupid in the new village of Snapchat and someone in the neighboring town of Twitter heard about it Shoemaker ended up having to apologize for it on the older and much larger city of Facebook.

“We clearly understand that what was said and done was completely disrespectful. I did want to inform everyone that it was NOT 'black face,' but it was a L'Oréal clay facial mask. The signs that were thrown also is an inside joke between our friends that represents 'West Coast is the best coast.' We never intended for the picture to offend anyone.” Is there anyone that actually admits when they are trying to offend someone?

People Hating On #TeacherBae

I saw this picture of a fine ass woman on Yahoo the other day at work and showed it to a coworker and asked “Did any of your teachers ever look like this? Ever?!” The answer was no. My answer is hell no. I have never had a teacher this damned fine. Had a couple cute ones but never one that would have made me have to adjust my draws every ten seconds. This is Atlanta 2nd grade teacher Patrice Brown aka #TeacherBae and the less creative Ms. Thicky Fine Teacher Bae. Its hard enough to be attractive...so I hear. It hard to be a teacher as well because children are usually the devil. I could not imagine being a hot ass teacher and not just because of the horndog kids but the horndog fathers and angry ass mothers you know she has to encounter.

People online are mad because the world is full of haters. Any guy hating on her is doing it to get points from other women. “Hey! I'm on your team! Want some dick?” Any woman hating on her is doing so because that's what women tend to do. Women hate women. Yeah, I said it. Women ha-a-ate other women most of the time so you know if you are built like the Kool-Aid Man or have a shit bag of a husband and are just naturally upset you are gonna hate on this girl. I say girl because she is too young for me to date being in her 20's.

Her clothing is being called too sexy for teaching. Look. Its hard enough to get kids to remember to wipe their asses let alone what teacher wore that day. Plus, I have seen women at Faithful Central Church in Inglewood wearing shit on a Sunday morning that makes what Ms. Brown wears look like a burqa. Can she wear looser clothing? For sure. But fuck that. If I were a woman with a body like hers I would show the shit out of it. You want her to wear 90's style baggy clothes? Fuck outta here with that. Even though I'm a terrible human being and am staring at her pictures hard enough to give her shivers its awesome that she is taking of the terrible task of teaching children.

But still. Haters.

Booty Spray For Fools

People like big butts. Its usually guys that get pegged with this love of big butts when for the most part a guy just wants someone that is nice to them. I can feel the amount of eyes rolling but thankfully its not that many because folks don't read this shit. 

In this case I am gonna put the blame squarely on the shoulders of insecure ladies. I can do without a big ass. I have had girlfriends that had negative ass and ones that had ones so nice I almost proposed to them. Nowadays women are running around either wearing draws with fake asses, getting implants, or getting injections.

Or booty spray.

I first heard of this product called Apex Vitality Booty Pop after reading about Blac Chyna getting dragged through the mud for endorsing it. I Googled “fake ass” and the second image to pop up was her butt looking eleven kinds of strange. Her as are as real as my honest intentions with your 25 year old daughter. I had to go to a “review” for this Apex product and see what the hell it was exactly.

“Apex Vitality Booty Pop has a very silky texture and gets absorbed in a very few second. Just spray it directly on your hips and massage it gently until it is absorbed into the skin of your hips. In the first few day the area over there will start to look smooth and soft and before you know it your hips will plump in the shape you have wanted them to be. To sustain the results for forever, I would advise you to continue applying this cream for maximum 60 days.”

My Current Jam: Angelina Castro

If you're one of those not fun people that are against porn or you get laid so much that you don't give a damn then this post is not for you. I will sit here and say that Angelina Castro is my current jam when she has been so for about two years now. I can't remember the first video I ever saw her in but the first thing I noticed was that she actually looked like she was enjoying having sex (yes, I notice when someone is not into it or just bad at acting like they do) and the second was her banging ass body. And that she kinda looks like one of my ex girlfriends. They could be sisters. This may be a chick thing too but there is no feeling like finding a porn star that looks like someone you dated but don't hate or someone you like that you know will never have the sex with you. Its like a fist bump from Jesus because he feels bad for you.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 10

In this random ass episode fueled by residual iced coffee residue and lemonade I talk about having discussions with an old lady at the bus stop, pitbulls on the bus, getting schwifty, and trigger warnings. Click here to check this and previous episodes out.

My Current Jam: Michelle Jenneke

There are some women that have happy faces and when I see their faces it makes me happy. Michelle Jenneke is one of those people. I have a few friends like this (as all you should) but I don't have friends that can run like her. At least to my knowledge. She is an Australian Olympic runner an hurdler which I appreciate because I only like events that have practical uses and yes tumbling also counts as one of those practical things. She's won all of the medals including the Dante one. That's a real thing. Shut up.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 9

In this episode I talk about stupid ass June bugs, dinner with Camille, Olympics, a man hitting on me at the thrift store, pants with elastic ankles, and how to survive shark attack. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 8

In this all over the damned place episode I talk about hanging out with friends, getting mad dogged by old women, poo scented bus rides, abortions, sex songs, and my name being my name. Click here to download this and previous Just Talking With Dante episodes. Glorious!!!

Just Talking With Dante Episode 7

In this episode I talk about meeting up with the past, people being more violent than they need to be, and general nonsense. Click here for previous episodes.

My Current Jam: Demi Lovato

I have a thing for Demi Lovato right now. She my jam. Been my jam for a couple weeks. I know nothing about her. I didn't know that her full name was Demetria Devonne Lovato. I thought it was Demi. I had seen her a few times or heard about her on TMZ randomly through the years. I also knew that she had an eating disorder and a drug and alcohol issue. And you know what? Good for her. We all gotta have some issue. If one of her songs came on the radio I wouldn't be able to tell you that it was her with 100% certainty. Like with most chicks I saw a video and/or picture that made me go “I think she would fit nicely on my face...”

Pokemon Go! Causing L's All Over The World

If you go online and just search for Pokemon Go! accidents a lot of things will pop up. As of right now the headlines say two men fell down a cliff looking for Pokemon, two officers were hurt when someone backed into their cruiser, in Pennsylvania a 15 year old girl was hit by a car playing the game because she crossed a highway, a kid in Britain was hit by a motorcycle crossing the road playing the game, four people had to be rescued from a cave, and a pileup occurring when a guy stopped his car in the middle of a highway in Massachusetts to catch a Pikachu. When these stories started popping up I thought they were made up because I for some reason still have a small amount of faith in humanity. One story I thought was a perfect storm of stupid involves a 28 year old guy named Steven Carry that broke his ankle and got lacerations on his legs after he crashed his younger brothers car into a tree trying to catch a Lapras while driving and playing the game.

His mother spoke in an email, which I never suggest a prent does when their child does something ridiculous, saying that Steven was “injured and extremely tired right now” and “my son is a former marine who is trying to be a firefighter and EMT.” I can just imagine him being pulled from the wreckage imagining that he were on the other end of it and not looking at his mangled legs because he had to catch 'em all while driving. His family has launched a campaign to raise $3,000 to replace the car that was wrecked. Yeah...but no.  

Playmate Dani Mathers Shames Woman...And Nothing Will Happen

A lot of people suck. Its a scientific fact. What science? Shut up. That's for you to find out. I heard about this story and hoped that there was a little more to it than what was being reported but it turns out that there is not. Just a woman being an asshole and then pretending that she isn't as big of an asshole that this is. 29 year old Playboy Playmate of 2015 (which is still a thing) Dani Mathers was at the gym in the locker room when she decided to take a picture and sharing it on her Snapchat. The image is of a woman butt booty ass naked at the gym changing. She is nude and unlike Mathers I have cut the woman out of the picture because as much of a dick that I am there is a certain level of human decency that I have managed to hold on to despite being raised in the 80's.

After people went H.A.M on her she deleted the image but it was too late much like everything posted online. Especially when you have 553,000 followers on Instagram, 75,000 on Twitter (which as of this writing is gone), and one million on Facebook. She ended up apologizing saying “I just want to acknowledge a photo that I accidentally posted. It was absolutely wrong and not what I meant to do. I chose to do what I do for a living because I love the female body and I know body shaming is wrong, that's not what I'm about and this is not the type of person I am. The photo was taken as part of a personal conversation with a girlfriend and because I am new to Snapchat I didn't realize I had posted it, and that was a huge mistake. I know I have upset a lot of people out there but please believe me this is not the type of person that I am. I have never done this before and I will never do this again, you have my word.”

Allow me to translate what she said into for reals speak.

Five Things I Learned Ain't Sexy To Me

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My Current Jam: Asuka

Its funny how you can see someone a bunch of times and never think that they are that attractive and then one day they'll do something and you'll go “Oh. Well. It appears that I like that.” And by “you'll” I mean your penis. I had seen this wrestler named Asuka in NXT formerly known as Kana real name Kanako Urai a couple years back and thought she looked cool but it went no further than that. And then one day while looking for pictures to insert myself into I came across an animated gif of her and my face melted, my pants changed shape, and I started looking at this crazy ass chick in a different way. I think my voice got deeper too. Anyhoot, this is the image that got me.

While You Were Sleeping: Officer Caesar Goodson Jr. Trial

You all remember Freddie Gray right? I know that he could easily be lost in the amount of Black men and women being killed by police or in their custody particularly the last few years. He was the one given the “rough ride” and died in custody last year. One of the officers that was given the largest amount of charges was officer Caesar Goodson Jr. One charge was second-degree depraved heart murder which I'd never heard of an had to look up. It states that it is “the form of murder that establishes that the willful doing of a dangerous and reckless act with wanton indifference to the consequences and perils involved, is just as blameworthy, and just as worthy of punishment, when the harmful result ensues, as is the express intent to kill itself. This highly blameworthy state of mind is not one of mere negligence. It is not merely one even of gross criminal negligence.”

My Current Jam: Rin Nakai

There is close to no consistency in the type of women that I like looking at. Looking at. Not dating. Not having sex with. Not even talking to. There are some women that I like to look at, smile, and go about my day. A few months ago I discovered this chick named Rin Nakai after hearing her mentioned on a podcast and the guys started shitting on her looks. Of course me being me I had to look for her and was pleasantly surprised by the way she looked. Lots of female MMA fighters are really hard bodied or look like they battle using the face to fist style but not Nakai. She is cute and would easily flip me to the ground and have me screaming to my ancestors for help.

Dante Saves You: Purge Edition

I know its been a long ass time since I've done one of these and in that time you and your dumb ass friends have probably managed to get yourselves in all kinds of trouble involving guns, fires, and wayward children. But I am now back with this Dante Saves You Purge Edition! I have seen two of the Purge films that have come out so far (click here and here to read those) and they are a lesson in what not to do in a planned dangerous situation. There is another one coming out and I'm sure if I waited I could come up with five more things you could avoid by just not being stupid.

Stay Inside

Every year for 12 hours starting at 7pm and ending at 7am everyone in America is allowed to murder, rape, and just generally fuck shit up legally. Everyone knows it coming and smart people prepare by gathering as many weapons as they can with a list of people they want to wreck. Or...you forget that you didn't grab dinner months or even weeks in advance and decide that you really want that turkey burger and head to the store at 6:56pm hoping to get home before the Purge starts. You deserve to die!

Kids These Days 67

Whatever happened to just telling a punkass kid “No”? The new Finding Dory movie is coming out and pet stores and people that care about fish in general are worried about a bunch of parents that are controlled by their children will show up in droves buying these expensive and hard to take care of fish because they can't tell their kids to stop being stupid and go clean their room because it smells like fruit and ass and the laundry hamper looks brand new because clothes are never put in it. Years ago this same thing happened with clown fish after Finding Nemo came out. Same with turtles after Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Dory is based off of a fish known as a blue tang. I knew nothing of this type of fish and had to find some basic information. Turns out that the blue tang fish ain't nothing to fuck with. I just made that up and if you hear it anywhere else you'll think of me. You're welcome. 

These are known as surgeon fish and are important to reef control. They live in spots between six and 131 feet deep which is a bit different than that shitty little tank you have in your living room. They live in waters all the way from New York to Brazil and can live between right to 20 years. Read that again. That is a long ass time to have something that is gonna just swim in circles watching you sleep and wondering why its in this tank watching you grow up from a spoiled brat to a heathen that rubs its genitals against any hard surface before forgetting to feed it for a few days because life happened. Oh, and they get about a foot long. I would never have thought that. I would have guessed maybe five inches tops. Like dicks. 

While You Were Sleeping: Rapist Brock Allen Turner

I heard about this case a few days ago and wanted to wait for more information to come out. So far its been nothing but more bullshit proving that some humans are just terrible people that do not deserve to be alive. Brock Allen Turner who was born on August 1st 1995 was convicted for sexually assaulting a 22 year old woman behind a dumpster while she was unconscious before being found by two Swedish guys that caught him, one asking him “Why are you smiling?” as he tried to escape. This took place at the Stanford campus. In March he was convicted of three felony sexual assault charges and sentenced to 6 months in jail and three years probation but will actually spend about three months inside if he behaves himself. That is a far cry from the six years that were being asked for.

Turner, his father Dan Turner, and the victim have all released various statements regarding what occurred that night. I'll start with this piece of fucking shit Brock. Seriously, after posting what everyone said I'll comment on this guy, his father, the victim, and the way I feel about humanity regarding all of this. I'll be editing a lot of their content but if you want to read any of it in its entirety it is available online.

Brock Turner: “The night of January 17th changed my life and the lives of everyone involved forever. I can never go back to being the person I was before that day. I am no longer a swimmer, a student, a resident of California, or the product of the work that I put in to accomplish the goals that I set out in the first nineteen years of my life. Not only have I altered my life, but I've also changed [redacted] and her family's life. I am the sole proprietor of what happened on the night that these people's lives were changed forever. I would give anything to change what happened that night. I can never forgive myself for imposing trauma and pain on [redacted].

The Spider Princess & Big Baby Part 1

There was once a young Spider Princess. Her real name isn't important. Accept that and I can continue with this horrid tale of betrayal, greed, and envy. The Spider Princess was never once a beautiful princess. There was no curse. No wicked witch being turned away one dark and stormy night vexing the bloodline. She was born a Spider Princess to a normal, lovely king and queen. Their names have since been stricken from the records and we dare not speak of their whereabouts.

Ever.

With a name like Spider Princess you would expect the kingdom to be dark. Covered with webs. Black, mystery goo dripping from every crevice. Screams of terror filling the halls. No. This was not the case. One would describe the kingdom as “Meh.” A modestly designed, large castle with a simple moat with a boring drawbridge that led to an okay kingdom with simple peasants. I should also point out that the kingdom had no name. Outsiders referred to it as The Dark Kingdom. The Shadowy Somber. Desolation's Keep. Tenebrous Manor. The Faint Palace. Murky Donjon. Or The Shaded Chateau.

But never to the Spider Princess' face.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 6

In this episode Jasmine and I give a Prince death update, talk about Muhammad Ali dying, gorillas being shot at zoos, the internet going crazy over said gorilla, talk of animal mixed breeding, Dantania Believe It Or Not: The Zoo, homeless Twitter, an abundance of high speed chases, and what I would be doing if I were in one. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Newest Hot Teacher Alexandria Vera Arrested

Q. sent me this story. There is yet another hot teacher that has slept with a student. This post is written by Evil Dante. For those of you that don't know, Evil Dante will say things that regular boring ass Dante won't say...out loud. This is 24 year old Texas middle school teacher Alexandria Vera. Yes, 24 years old and teaching. I still say that you shouldn't be allowed to have children or teach before the age of 30. I mean, for society it makes sense but for a young boy having a 24 year old teacher would be the shit.

Anyhoot, she and the Boy Who Lived, The Man, Luckiest Guy Ever, My Hero, Baller, Lil Pimp, Lil Baller, The One, Goodyear Pimp, Fred Pimpstone, Ren & Pimpy, King of the Teachers, After School Special, Teachers Petter, Legend, Supercalifragiclicioushebesuchadopekid, The Chosen One, King of Everything, The Revenant, Three's Humpany, Diary of a Pimpy Kid, and He Who Has Sex With Teachers started their relationship at the start of the school year in 2015 and by January she was pregnant. That's right. Pregnant! She got an abortion after an investigation began but it was too little too late since folks were already in the know. I still applaud her decision. If she did anything right in her life it was that.

The boy is now 14 but that still doesn't make any of what they did legal. The boy flirted with her and asked for her number on Instagram. By the way, I should note that she is 24 with a 5 year old daughter. Yeah...there's that. She was an English teacher at Stovall Middle School in Houston (which I have written about because a teacher stripped for a student in class before!) before being arrested and posting $100,000 bail. Vera says that the boy missed school one day and she got worried so she sent him a message online and he got the digits from her. She went to his place, he got in her car, and they started smooching. Later that month, September, they had sex for the first time. Vera also told police that they had sex almost daily at her house and that they love each other. He'd stay at her place overnight and take him home in the morning so he could catch the school bus. Give me a moment.

Hiking At Murphy's Ranch

Koko and I went to this place called Murphy's Ranch over at Rustic Canyon. I had never heard of this magically strange place that is about 40 minutes from my front door. We headed down Sunset Blvd. and ended up turning onto Capri and parking in the residential area. We started up a paved road, passed a guy on a bike that told us things star a half hour away, and we were off.

While we hiked we kept on wondering how in the hell all this stuff got into this area. I mean, I have lived in this area for almost 20 years and never heard of this place and have passed it plenty of times not knowing that scenes that could be in Lord of the Rings was so close. There are areas where the trails are kinda hidden and hard to see if you aren't paying attention and others that are stairs. Good lord, the stairs. I'll get to those soon enough. Here is some half-assed history of this Murphy Ranch that I found online and none of it seems 100% agreed upon.

The Latest Hot Mugshot

There is yet another new hot mugshot going around. This is 24 year old Arkansas resident Sarah Seawright that has been arrested for a variety of things. She was arrested last month for failure to appear in court for driving carelessly and without insurance back in 2014. People, including her now, have been using #prisonbae and #jailhousebae online to describe her. 

This is not a new thing. There was that green eyed guy that women went nuts over (click here for that) and this hot chick after him (click here for that). As for Seawright she was arrested back in 2012 for kidnapping, first degree battery, hindering prosecution, tampering with physical evidence, and aggravated robbery. She and another guy, LeDarius Laron Scales, that she had hiding in the car robbed someone.

That all being said...she is cute as fuck. I wouldn't mess with her not just because of her past criminal history or because this chick would have zero interest with me. But because she looks like too much work. That is generally my view of chicks that are cute as fuck. I imagine never seeing them without makeup on or something. I'm being a silly person. I have had one girlfriend that was cute as fuck and saw her without makeup but it took a while to get there. And she did look like a different person. And this chick is in her 20's which is a realm that I don't dwell in. In closing, yeah. Cute as fuck. The guy version of girls bad boy. Men will be lining up to get her pregnant.  

Dante Vs. Nature 62

I don't want to really travel. I live in a great state where I can experience any new form of weather by heading in a direction for an hour. I also know what to expect from animals. The tend to stay where they should. Yeah, once in a while a mountain lion will snatch a pet up or a bear will stroll through Sylmar, but for the most part they know their place. But not in Bangkok. This 38 year old guy named Attaporn Boonmakchuay was using a squat toilet (another reason why I won't travel) when suddenly his dick was attacked. No, not by an overly excited wife or a jealous girlfriend. But by a 10 foot goddamn python!

He says that he fought to remove the python from his dick for thirty minutes with the help of his wife and a neighbor. I don't even have a friend that I am close enough to where I'd help do this. Let me be specific. A male friend. I'd yank a snake off a female friends vajayjay in the hopes of putting another one in. Yeah. I'm single. His wife eventually tied a rope around the python while Attaporn (whose name sounds like what I say when I finish watching a good clip on Pornhub) pried the jaws from his dick and promptly passed right the fuck out.

Kids These Days 66

My cousin had told me this story about a 15 year old girl at a Florida school, South Fort Myers High School, and how she had slept with 25 boys in the school bathroom. My response was that I knew girls like that in junior high and I was always told of these sordid tales after it happened and thus stayed un-laid in school. It was reported that a lot of football players from the school had been recorded on the school security system going into the bathroom. As one student put it “A bunch of football players went into a room with a girl and had sex with her, and a bunch of the football players were suspended. So we might not have a football team this year.” Priorities, right? This all occurred after school was done yet many are questioning why there was not any school officials present. 

While You Were Sleeping: Symone Marshall Arrest And Death

I heard about this story last week and have been waiting for more details to emerge before writing about it. That is what I do sometimes. I pretend that I am an actual writer and wait for results and more information before slapping on a social justice warrior hat and protesting wrong doings. This is about a 22 year old mother that died while in police custody. She happens to be Black which made people immediately think of Sandra Bland before getting any more details about it. “Don't need details. They're both Black!” I need details. I'm that guy which is why my hair used to fall out from stress. There is always more in my way of thinking.

Symone Marshall moved to Texas from Detroit a few months ago. She and a friend, Amanda Arnold, got into an accident saying they were run off the road causing their car to flip three times. Police arrived and they found cocaine in the vehicle and say that Marshall gave them a fake name. They both refused medical attention and showed no obvious signs of being injured. They were both arrested for the drug charge with Marshall having false identification added. Amanda was released the next day after posting bond but Marshall couldn't post the $5,000. Two weeks later she had a seizure in her cell. This is all on video unlike the Bland case. She was pronounced dead later at a hospital.

Dante Vs. Nature 61

Two lions at a zoo in Chile had to be killed because some assclown decided to jump into the lion pit with some and fuck with them. I am not a fan of nature and all the magical ways it can fuck with me so I try to stay away from it. This guy, 20 year old Franco Luis Ferrada, was allegedly suicidal (due to a possible note he left) and jumped into the lions enclosure. From there he started poking fun at the lions which are not fans of that kinda thing. Did I mention that he was butt booty ass naked? Yeah. He was. That is like taking me to a farm and the pigs are covered in bacon. The lions started attacking Franco because that and fucking is what lions do.

Zoo officials shot tranquilizer darts and ended up hitting dude in the neck. The also tried to wet the lions and that didn't work. Franco was being chewed up so they ended up having to shoot and kill the lions. The zoo director said Alejandra Montalva said “When a person's life is at risk, you have to sacrifice the animals. The shooter decided to save the life of the person and unfortunately we had to sacrifice two members of our family.” Nah. I say in this case or future ones, which there will be, you let the lions handle it. Franco is in critical condition and there are people upset at the zoo for killing the lions. I think it is stupid to make zoos. I think it is stupid to be set up to where idiots can climb into where lions are. Everyone is a loser except the dead lions that got to be natural for a few moments.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.  

Kids These Days 65

This shit is getting out of control. I know that everyone wants kids safe but we've now reached a point where safety has not only overwritten letting kids be kids, its gone past letting them even have fun. At Southeast Elementary in Brighton, Colorado and kindergartener was suspended for bringing a bubble gun to school. I somehow made it through multiple fights, being a nuisance, and arguing hitting a kid in the head with a metal canister without being suspended. But this kid now has that going for her because she brought a goddamn bubble gun to school! I doubt it was as fancy as the one I have pictured. 

In an interview the child's mother said “I apologized right away and said that I am so sorry she did that. I appreciate that they're trying to keep our kids safe, I really do. But there needs to be some common sense. It blows bubbles.” She said she didn't know that her daughter brought the toy to school. I remember a kid brought a snake to school unannounced. It was awesome. The school released a statement saying:

Dante Bitches About 12 Things That All Women Hate About Guys

There is this bullshit article on Cosmo that I found because I am done writing my blogs for the day and felt like being bothered so I went there. There was one called 12 Things That All Women Hate About Guys and I am hoping it was written by a 16 year old girl whose longest relationship was three weeks and not a grown ass woman. Just checked the writers bio. She is a woman that is the sex and relationships editor on their site which explains so much.

I was going to write a 12 Things That All Men Hate About Chicks but that wouldn't make any sense. It would make less sense than what will follow this paragraph. I don't represent all men or even a small percentage of them. I am a freak. Not the bragging kind like “Oh, I am so different than any other man you have met” but more like a “Oh, god, I am so different than any other man you have met please help me because if you treat me like any other man you've met chances are this won't last long!” Ask me again why I'm single. Ask me!!!

Dennis Wright Arrested For Hit And Run Death

Drunk driving is something that I personally can't stand. I am sure that some of you reading this has done it in the past or may do it in the future. And you can go straight to hell for doing it. Some think its cute like “Oh, my god. I drove home so drunk one time. Thank god I wasn't pulled over!” A few weeks ago an MMA fighter named Jordan Parsons was struck and killed by someone as he crossed the street. There were no witnesses to this but the driver never slowed down after hitting him. He was in a hospital in critical condition before finally dying from his injuries. He was just 25 years old.

Recently the man responsible for the hit and run was found and arrested. He is 28 year old Dennis Wright of Boca Raton. He has had his license suspended multiple times and it was currently suspended when he struck and killed Parsons. He has been arrested for DUI, six suspensions, disorderly conduct, and marijuana possession, and failure to appear in court. In this current situation is he being charged with among other things leaving the scene of a crash and tampering with evidence. It is being reported that the Range Rover driven by Wright was being followed by a friend in a Mercedes which also did not stop traveling up to 120 mph.

While You Were Sleeping: Trinity Carr Charged With Homicide

A few weeks back I wrote about the 16 year old student, Amy Joyner-Francis (click here for that), that was beaten to death in a school bathroom at Howard High School of Technology in Delaware while it was watched and recorded by other students. Now three female students have been charged with her death. Trinity Carr, also 16 has been charged with criminally negligent homicide while Zion Snow and Chakeira Wright have been charged with third-degree criminal conspiracy.

The attorney general Matt Denn has said that he plans to have Trinity charged as an adult which I totally agree with. The Department of Justice stated “The individuals responsible for Amy Joyner-Francis's death are minors, but they must be held accountable for their actions. DOJ's goal in making a charging decision was to ensure that those persons responsible for Amy's death are held responsible to the maximum degree permissible by Delaware law.”

Amy's caused of death has been listed as “sudden cardiac death due to large atrial septal defect” which is a hole in the wall that separates the two chambers of the heart as well as saying that a factor that contributed was “physical and emotional stress due to physical assault.” It is being said that the actual assault did not kill her, but her preexisting heart condition did but that if she was not assaulted she would not have died. This is another reason why you don't go around attacking people.